Chapter Three.

A year and a half

It's been a year and a half since I've last cried. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt my heart drop. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt this sad. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt pain. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt anger.


...until today.

I can't believe it's happening again. My views on relationships will never be the same. And I say never with such confidence and passion. Once again, I've noticed myself mastering the art of Fronting. I thought I lost the skill because I was so happy with my life and the way things turned out, but today... was just another realization that I've mastered Frontin' with such skill that I do it subconsciously. Frontin used to be difficult for me 'cause I was so used to showing my feelings and how happy I was... or am? Now, there's no pain, no second thought. So numb, so amazed that once again... you've proven everyone right. And here I am - embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of everyone - all the people I've spoken to about you - expressing how confident I was that you were a different one - someone mature. It's like a slap in the face how disrespected I feel. You brought me back to that day; that day I never wanted to rekindle in my mind.. EVER. I believed in you. And now... you've proven to me that you're hopeless. I will never see you the same way and I fucking HATE saying that. I fucking HATE to say that I was wrong about you. I fucking HATE that you had to prove THEM right, and ME wrong. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID THAT YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT LET ALONE RESPECT FOR OTHERS?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I fucking HATE feeling angry. I fucking HATE feeling betrayed.

Congratulations.
You've managed to bring out the side of me I hoped would never show. Look at all my blogs. Not ONCE in this entire Chapter Two was I angry or showed this much disgust... until now. And it sucks cause I had to blog about it, KNOWING that there's fourteen people following this shit. But I had to cause I can't keep this shit inside of me.


So, good fucking job. I am so PROUD of you.
come to think of it... you would be the one person to bring out this side of me.

Illuminated

Illuminated by darkness, it's difficult to see. To see the road ahead let alone the next step our foot decides to make. still we continue on a path we are not able to define. Illuminated by darkness, we take that step. Unable to distinguish each of our senses, we move blindly - weak in body, weak in emotion, weak in mind. Our only push is that thin piece of thread that dwells in our heart to keep moving. We stay focused - believing with our heart that hope still exists - that life still exists. Alone. Surrounded only by our thoughts, we struggle to grasp the mere idea of light. Yet, to allow the struggle to win seems too easy; to allow the game to play you is no option. Don't give up. Continue moving. Alone. -you convinced yourself to be. You've shut everyone out - believing that no one understands. Day by day - you stay in that blackened room - illuminated by darkness. Separated from the world - you put yourself. Blind to see the love, unable to feel - you chose to be numb. You chose to be weak. You hold tightly onto you faith - your God --- Our God. Yet you don't see that I'm there watching each step you make - reaching my hand out for you to grab. Never letting you fall as you sit illuminated by darkness. Past your insecurities, past the difficulties of life, past the burdens you seem to carry - I'm there. Waiting for you to see me; waiting for you to see the light.

-Kathleen Robeniol
2/11/09 -- Starbucks @ CPP

Needed

Today officially marks the final day in which I don't have to stress about papers, midterms, projects and presentations. Such a needed day. Not to mention, healthy eating [besides the late night run that was just made with Byronface & Manyoucall] good talks, and live soothing piano music. I agree with Karl, Wednesdays are good days. [: Too bad I didn't see him alll day today!!! Mr. LetsNotWakeUpForClass&GetOutEarlyFromEcon. ]; It's okayyy... I practically have him allllll day tomorrow [x

After my Stats class I met up with Paul at starbucks for our writing session. Shit mann. I love how I'm getting so much closer to him. Paul's legit. Who would've known our love for meaningful words and passion for writing would bring us closer together.-- I lavv it. Later on Byronface, Manyoucall and Jowena met us up and we all chilled and did our own thing. Twas tight. After getting kicked out by a Starbucks that closes at 10, a library that closes at 1030 and a full on packed 24 computer lab, we all decided to retreat over to the Village Recreation Center in hopes for space and that study room with the piano. The studyroom was a fail. But it's okay cause I got more writing done. [:

Wendy's drivethru is NOT, I repeat NOT open until 2am. Also, the McDonald's on Diamond Bar is NOT, I repeat NOT open 24hrs. Mthrfckrs. Epic fail for latenight runs. But can I just say... I've never seen so much desire for McDonalds from two individuals than I have from Byronface and Manyoucall. As for me - I really didn't care - all I wanted was food. If only I could've recorded our 10 minute wait going back and forth to both drive-thru windows and our 30 second engine shut down right next to the ordering machine - shit would've been AWESOME. Anyway. Thanks gigz for missing us so much he wanted us over [:

Breather

This is going to be a long blog.

I feel like this is unhealthy for me... not to blog for this long of a time. SO MUCH SHIT HAPPENED. I don't even know where to begin. So in addition to a long ass blog, it's gonna be hella scattered.

So dating back to the night of my last blog, Jan. 31, I did end up seeing you. [: That was gooood and it made me real happy. ;] The next day was SCPASA [ thanks zugey(: ] at UCR. That was dope too. Met some pretty cool people and got a pretty nice compliment [x Ahah shut up Karl! haha Karl and Andrew are just jealous, that's all. aahhah anyway. Went home for the weekend, and spent some time with dad's side of the family and watched the Superbowl. Twas fun and filling. I love my family. OH! and Kuya Pat finally came out and spent some time with us too. So far, it's been the highlight of my year. This is only a start. hMm.. then comes Hell Week Feb 1 to Feb "6". I've never lost so much sleep in one week alone, than that of the 1st of February. Hell week + Midterms = no bueno ]; kindof. I got my shit done. Studied and I seriously hope I did well.. especially on my Stats midterm.

And a quick note. *If you ever fucking so much as slap him or touch him again, I will slap you. And this time, I won't think twice about it. Do not even THINK about disrespecting me again. That goes for any other of my friends, you stupid STUPID girl. Your ignorance and lack of common sense still amazes me. Remember that.*

Going back to what I was saying before I remembered that incident, Hell week I lost a lot of sleep. From Tuesday to Thursday I was up for more than 40 hours straight. Had a BEC performance on Thursday. Our first time to show off our new set. I love it. Right after the performance we headed over to the studio to continue practicing. Talk about a hella busy day/night. We filmed for our Fusion Video. Shits comedy. I love it! [: Then... surprise surprise.. WOBZ CAME BACKK!!!! yaaaaaaaay! And she brought Joe Larot from Jabbawockeez! Talk about star-struck. ;ADSJF;ASDFJ AHHHH.! Never in a million years would I have thought I would get a chance to NOT ONLY meet an original, but to groove and learn from him too. He's tight and fsure legit. I missed wobz a lot too! Stupid ABDC. What's the world coming to!? Retards. Anyway, they decided to eat at Denny's after practice and I knocked the fuck out. And apparently, I have swag when I sleep? UGH. Is it that necessary to take pictures while I sleep? -_- laame. ahah I finally crashed and I didn't wake up until 2 the next day. ]; I missed my effing in class essay for English. BLAHH. Find out that So Fresh is CANCELED. ]; Karl decides to give me a surprise visit. That was fun. Chilled at my dorm then went over to Brea mall to meet up with Jowena, Byron and Alex. After we all headed over to Joe's Sushi for Robbie's 19th Birthday. Not even five minutes into being there, Jay tells us that Robbie hydroplaned and got into a car accident and that Paul and Nick left to get him. I broke down inside but tried to keep my composer. What are the odds? I'm just so glad that he's alive and okay. God was definitely with him. We brought everyone over to Jowena's at the Crest cause Robbie cldnt join us at Joe's Sushi. Surprised him, hookah'd, drank, watched a movie, then knocked the fuck out.

Another quick note. *You're concentrating on me a little too much, honey.

The last three days have been spent at the Crest and with the people I can't ever seem to stop loving. Bummed it with Jowena the ENTIRE day on Saturday. Definitely needed in a time like this. Jowena and I had our first visit to Locust Lounge last night. I totally saw a couple Amat heads there. Shit was soo weird! Highlights of the night: saw my distraction [:, "It's Sea World.", "like... Hola Shamu" AHAHAHAHAH fcking Byron. Comedy.

Okayy.. I'll update again hopefully soon.

Time changes

things. More times than you would actually know. That is my epiphany tonight. I've always acknowledged the idea of "things never being the same" as one of the wonderful gifts God blesses us with. It hit me again tonight, just right now... that time does change things. It isn't something to be afraid of but something to hold tight and never want to let go. Again, I find myself going back and forth with you. I really don't know what it is - maybe it was just a phase. Maybe you were just a phase. A good one, of course. One that taught me lessons about life and definitely opened new doors and ways of thinking to my world. Earlier this week, I kinda got the feeling of being "used" by you. I hated it. But as soon as I noticed myself thinking that way, I forced the thought out and only pictured the good. At least, tried to. I guess this is where my fantasy meets my morals. And trust me, the two aren't getting along too well. My desire to want you and to let you in my life in that way totally would contradict the way I've always lived my life. I open my eyes, not my legs. Fantasy has me by the rope, but my morals just keep on knockin. I know you aren't that type to either... especially with your background - or lack there of. [: Which! By the way, is verryyy attractive. I guess it's just the thought of it. I want to, but I just can't. I feel like I'd have to actually fall for you, to let you get on that level with me. But I haven't fallen [that hard] for you... yet? Ew. ahah I don't know. My mind's goin off on tangents I can't think. You said you wanted to hang out later today but this was on Tuesday or was it Sunday? I think Tuesday, but whatever. Anyway... it's Friday. And you haven't mentioned it since the first time. However, you did actually call me last night/this morning. That was cute. Ugh! Forget this. I'm sleepy. We'll see how the next few days go and hopefully I'm not in this pickle anymore. Goodnight all!

Justin

So, Justin and I are drank tonight. A lot. ahhahahah And it's currently 514 in the morning on Tuesday! Yayy for 2009! woot woot. HAHHAHAHH woot. woot. ahahhahaha!!! ohshit. justin and i are funny. ahhaha what are we doing?

we are. drunk. hahaaha
and sleeping on hard wood floors. ]; but apparently, I'M sleeping on the hard wood floor while Justin sleeps on his comfy bed. is that how you spell comfy? or is it... comphy? HAHHAHA no. that looks even worse. fuck that. justin's wrong. ahahhahahahhaha ! oh fuck. zugey has class at eight. and albert is knocked the fuck out. ]; Justin has a test at ten, but he's gonna pass. cause of all the acronems. OHSHIT. im soo drunk. That is totally NOT how you spell that. ahhaha! acronyms! YE BITCH. ahaha okay. i got it. see. im not drunk! shiiiit. yuijokl, im sleepy.

okay. goodnight justin. sleep tits!

A day without sunshine

What if I stopped smiling?



For some reason, I miss being sad. I miss feeling that piercing pain in all the places you never thought you had. The feeling where the saying, "my heart dropped" comes true. That same feeling you convinced yourself you had that was caused by the one person who you never thought would leave. I miss that. That special connection you have with that person where the meaning of "I love you" surpasses what is normal between friends and brings it to a level between boyfriend and girlfriend & lovers.

Oh well, can't always get what you want.

Api

I'm sitting here with a headache. I'm sleepy. Blah.




wsup pointless blog.

Still

I've always told myself that the only person that can make you happy is you, and you alone. No matter how bad a day may turn out to be, how much bad news you may hear, or how many people try to bring you down - you have full control to be happy. Whether its a break up or a loss of a loved one, to be able to wake up each morning and continue to love yourself and realize that the one person who will never stop loving you, loves you back regardless how many times you mess up is a gift of happiness in itself. Of course, everyone longs to have that special person to run to, that tangible person, that person who isn't hard to see - one who we aren't blind towards. And I have to admit, I miss that feeling sometimes. Seeing more than half my group of friends have that "boyfriend" or that "girlfriend" makes me reminisce on what I used to have. Trust me though, every time someone asks me if I'm really over it and over you, there's no longer a hesitation or a pause. I've always wanted to just see you happy, and now I see that you have that with her. What you two share.. really is beautiful and I wouldn't have it any other way. [:

People ask me what I want to be when I grow up; my only answer: To be happy. That's my goal. And it'll continue to be no matter what I go through. Sometimes when I say that the reaction I get is "well, of course. But what do you want to be?" Honestly. How many people do you know have that initial response to a question like that other than the usual - doctor, lawyer, engineer teacher, or CEO of some sort. I mean, it's realistic. Right? It makes sense. Well, okay money is money and of course it'll have an impact on my life regardless of how insignificant I may see it to be at different points in my life, but yeahh.. how many people do you know who are HAPPY. And not just content or 'okay' or 'fine'. I mean.. genuinely HAPPY. I don't know about you, but I don't know very many.

I think I'm going through my Brian McKnight phase of my life again. That man is amazing. No joke. Oh! and I found the song I wanted to play for every anniversary I have after I get married. [: I win, bitches.

Hahah I'm just kidding.. about the bitches part. Goodnight everyone!




p.s. I think I know what my next blog will be about. But I need to dig deeper in thought. Until then... keep smiling!

Food for thought

It's as if a completely different feeling came over my entire being exposing my heart to the world allowing it to be tested for any sign of pain or hurt that was easily dismissed or not felt due to the tragic numbness it acquired throughout the years. Not only did this feeling expose my heart, but it also made way for my mind to wonder. Wondering off into the world I thought I understood, my mind begins to question its own purpose, it's own reason for living, leaving behind the confused and lost heart who longs to feel. Realizing how much the mind and body has grown within the past year brings to surface, what seems to be, a lack of growth of the heart and soul. Can you truly be happy, yet be unsure on how to love? Does love and happiness go hand-in-hand? As far away as the mind may travel, it cannot fully separate itself from the heart. Because somehow, someway, the two will always be connected. But which do you listen to? As it wonders off into the distant sky, the heart is left to feel nothing but lost. Exposed and unaware of its surroundings, the heart continues to move aimlessly with the hope that it may someday find that feeling of love and gain back that strength that earlier weakened its ability to produce a strong enough foundation to withhold the upcoming challenges it has yet to face.

I should be sleeping right now cause practice just ended and I have class at 915 but I can't help but have so many things on my mind. This afternoon was confusing. Had my random breakdown that seriously came out of no where. I hate when that happens.. it's the first of '09. Great. So basically...

I haven't felt that piercing pain since Nyl. That's amazing. I was hoping to never feel that way again but oh well. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. You didn't cause it, no one did. This is something I have to deal with on my own. Without anyone's help. I'm a big girl now, you don't have to worry about me. I've gone through worse shit than this - it doesn't even compare let alone come close to. We'll see how later today goes. Off to bed - Goodnight world and Thank You.

Oh nine - let me be free

It's weird. Letting my guard down and allowing someone to enter my life on that level again hasn't happened since I was a freshman in high school - 5 years ago. All this time, helping my friends and their relationships, giving advice to those who reached out for it - it's finally time to listen to myself. It's time to take my own advice. But why is it difficult to apply to my own situation? I guess, it's easier said than done and I'm willing to try.

I told you how I felt and now I'm going to leave it at that. Nothing changes. We both agreed. I just hope you don't expect me to do anything because I won't.. even if you told me. Eventually, we'll see. If it dies down, so be it. I'm not about to fight to keep it the way it is. Constant pace is the way I roll. There's no need to rush progress.

On another note, I feel like I have no feelings. That statement alone contradicts everything I just said in the previous paragraph. I'm a confusing human who knows what she wants, has the desire and drive to get there but accepts reality for what it really is and has the mentality of it is what it is. Don't like it? Change it. Can't stand to see it? Don't look. Life's a bitch. Deal with it. It happens to everyone. Live for yourself.



I seem bitter, but I'm not. I'm actually a genuinely happy person. [:

Hearts

These past two days, I've realized that I have a hard heart. One that consist of mulitple amounts of tough layering. It isn't that I don't care, but I think I've grown accustomed to the idea that life moves on and time waits for no one. So why waste a good and important thing on something that apparently wasn't meant to be yours. Over the years, I've learned to let go and let God. I've been through so many situations where I would work my ass off for something, to get something, to earn something only to come up short and not receive it. I mean, yeah shit sucks but sometimes you just gotta face the facts that God has something better planned, something even better in store for you. All you have to do is wait. And even with that, you can't be expecting to see it, especially not right away. It's in our human nature to be blind. Accept it. Stop trying to look for signs of goodness. Stop trying to rush progress. Stop trying to find short cuts. It's gonna get you no where. Stop trying to look for happiness. Stop trying to look for happiness through other people. It all starts within. You have full control of your emotions and how you handle them. Being happy is possible.

Today was another great day. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little off due to some stuff, but it's okay. I'm happy and things happen for a reason. Timing just wasn't right. But I got to spend another sweet day with Karl and some other friends. Experienced one of thee best and CUTEST teachers ever! not to mention, one with a sense of humor. WSUP LANDSCAPE DESIGN. haha! I love it. Sat next to Devon? Packed class; but totally worth hiking that fcking mountain. Might as well, hit up that Health Center and get me some 10 condoms for a dollar type shit. HA. ohh no. Anyway, bonded with Karl some more, saw the Encinitas Boys and SAM! woo! Missed that bitch, freal. Practice was good too; ended by 12. [: I need to work harder. I need to put as much effort as I was in the beginning. I feel like I'm slacking off; and they could see it. Time to get back into it... before its too late. I will. It's a priority not to mention a responsibility I put on myself. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be better - no matter what anyone else says.

Goodnight world. Another day starts when I wake up. We'll see how this one goes. [:

Sweater weather and scarf season

in my opinion, is thee best way to start off the new year. Today was my first full and complete day of being back at school. And lemme tell you, it was amazing. Woke up to an empty room with the sun shining through the blinds, got ready for my first class, and left with the mentality that it was going to be a great, warm and eventful day. I got two out of the three. Too bad it was soo freaking COLD!!!!! Ugh. I would've ran back to my room and grab a sweater but I toughed it out like a champ. Haa... and I was running a little late considering I had no idea where my class was. hahah WHATEVER. Saw the first fresh face of the winter quarter - Devon! Yayy he made me happy. For a second though, today when I walked into the hall way of Bldng 9 and saw the huge crowd of people waiting and conversating outside the classrooms, I had a super quick flashback of my first day of high school. The environment of it all, I kinda just realized for the first time in awhile that I'm an underdog and not the big bad senior I was a couple months back. It's weird, intimidating but exciting nevertheless. Alright, so anyway, first class was chill. Teacher let us out about an hour or so early so I decided to check out the API. Saw a bunch of people and talked to Albert for awhile also. Met up with Devon in the library - the usual and then decided to go with Albert to audition for Choir. Saw EVERYONE there. My Ate, Maaaaark!, Karl's Ate, David.. ohman. I love seeing fresh faces. And I missed my Ate! Not even gonna lie. Her and my Kuya! Who I rarely see. ]; Hopefully that'll change this year and all three of us could hang out more. Yup, so I ended up auditioning for Choir and not making it. Straight up, I was kinda sad about it at first and bummed, but I saw the brighter side of things and figured it just wasn't meant for me; God either has something better planned for me, or He knows that I have a lot on my plate this year and the unnecessary stress of it all would do me no good. After that Karl and I chilled for the rest of the day. Double dated with my Ate and Mark? bahhahah Ohh those two are comedy. Good times today. Had some really good talks with Karl. [: Yaay! Gonna paint this town red. YEE, BITCH! ahaha After Chick fil-A, went over to the suites! WOOO FOR MARK! Took a butt-load of pictures that Karl has. Oh man, I can't wait for our adventures. For sure we're gonna handle this shit. [: Watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, got dropped off at the dorm, had visits from Chuck and James, then went to my stats class until 8. I'm happy.. this quarter will be nothing less than amazing... I can already feel it. And there's NO FAILING. It's simply not allowed.. not on my watch. I won't fail anything this quarter. I'm ready to work my ass off like there was no tomorrow and I'm ready to stick with my priorities.


P.S. I think I'm ready to admit it. Or is the timing not right? But if not now, then when? I think the more you wait to tell someone something, one, either the worse it's gonna get or two, you'll more than likely forget what needs to be said or you even might convince yourself that it isn't anything at all... and then maybe one day, it'll come up again and it'll be 10x worse.

I'm thinking too much.

The greatest love of all

starts with being able to love yourself fully. Once you're able to genuinely love yourself there is no limit to the love you will naturally give off to those around you DESPITE what you may be going through. This blog, I want to dedicate to one of the greatest most influential person I know. Not only do we share the same last name, but we share some of the same qualities and amusement. I never spoke about this to anyone, not even you, my own cousin who I feel so close to. I'm not sure if you're aware of the type of influence you have on me. I'm not sure if you realize that I've looked up to you since day one. That I've wanted to be just like you when I grew up. That every single word you've ever said to me I've taken to heart and listened to attentively. That' you're dreams became my dreams. That you're outgoing, knowledgeable mind has become a quality of yours I've always dreamt of acquiring. The way you helped bridge and mend the seven year gap between families is something I will never forget. I saw you as someone I could go to when times were rough. The only reason I dreamt of LMU and saw it as anywhere near possible to achieve was because of you.

I know these past few years have been the toughest to overcome. Even when I didn't know exactly what was going on, I knew you were in trouble. You reached out and I could see that you were asking yourself, "why me?" I don't know why it happened but I knew that from the moment I knew the entire story that you would be able to get through it, no matter what. I had no doubts. I believed in you. I believe in you. I can't imagine a single bit how much may be on your plate at the moment, but I know for a fact, that whatever it may be you can totally get through it. Kuya, don't give up on yourself. I know no one knows exactly what you've been through, but stop shutting the family out, stop shutting me out. I know I'm young, but I'm a lot wiser than you may think. I know it hurts you, but it hurts us too. Tressa's just lived her 2nd year of life and I don't want you to miss out on it even more. I told you that I'm here for you and that I could help you. Let me. Call me selfish but it feels like you've given up on me too. This happened to you for a reason, learn from it Kuya. Learn from it and move on towards forgiving yourself cause that's what I'm sensing... that you've asked yourself 'why me' for so long, you've put the blame on others, and now you've done the worse possible thing you could do; you've put the blame on yourself. Listen to me Kuya, it's NOT your fault! It's not your fucking fault. It happened for a reason. God wouldn't have put you through all this shit if he didn't think you could handle it. And honestly, right now.. you're NOT handling it. You're letting it eat you up and destroy what you have left. Don't let it. Don't let this situation get the better of you. You are stronger than this. You're a lot stronger than you may know right now. Instead of letting the situation walk all over you, embrace it. As hard as it is for you, you're strong Kuya. I believe in you still. There's only so much I can say but if you ever read this, I hope you understand you're ability to overcome this. Embrace it. Embrace what you have, embrace what you've learned and never let any of that go. There are too many people that hate to see you like this. And I speak for the entire family when I say that each and every one of us is here for you and loves you unconditionally. Don't be afraid to let us in. Don't think that you're a burden to our lives. Don't think that we aren't willing to help you. You haven't hit rock bottom yet, believe it or not. I've got you. And I'm not letting go. I love you Kuya Pat. More and more every day. And never think that there's a day when you aren't in my prayers. Keep your head up and stay strong.

Inspired

by the words and mind of Danielle Jasmine. Her note on Facebook really, believe it or not, changed my life. It opened my eyes and educated my soul and furthermore introduced new and different ideas to my views about people and about you.

"To those who are scared of "too much love", have enough self-confidence to know that even if you doubt it, someone out there sees enough goodness in you to believe you deserve that much goodness to happen to you. Do not push this away just because you feel you are not worthy. If someone offers you love, do not question it, do not make fun of it. Appreciate it. Someone thinks you are worth being loved."

"Oh & here, let me tell you something society refuses to admit. You are allowed to doubt. Yeah, I said it & I fully believe it. Doubting allows you to come up with the right answer. You are supposed to face some kind of crossroad before you chose which direction you want to go through. Doubt all you want, but keep going when you doubt. Keep loving, keep showing it. The VERY moment you stop is when you lose it all."

"Also, when in love, flaws are not disgusting. Flaws become intriguing and unique. You do not make fun of flaws or get grossed out, you start to question how and why and appreciate how different it is from everyone else. You will feel like you have got something special in your hands & you will appreciate those flaws. Flaws become beauty because it is rare. Flaws become beauty just because of the mere fact that it is on you, the person that is being loved. Love is more than a walk on the beach and candle lit dinners. Love is a fucking weirdass, psychotic, powerful, hard, timely, desirable, tempting feeling. This is why society depicts people in love as idiots. Love breaks down all barriers and all socially accepted bullshit rules of what is "okay to do" and what is "not okay.""

Can I tell you the truth? I didn't tell you everything. That feeling, the vibe you got from me yesterday I hoped you never would have felt. At least, I hoped and prayed you wouldn't catch on. But you did. Last night, the last hour of 2008 I was completely out of it. A part of it, I knew exactly where it was coming from, the other I had no clue. Up until after the countdown I honestly did not know where you stood in my life. Whether you were just another boy I would talk to and get to know then later fall out of feelings towards or a boy who would be able to expose me to a different side of people and possibly a different side of myself, one that would show me hope and give me a reason to not fear heartache and pain and all that that came with being in a relationship and letting my guard down. Honestly, I still don't know exactly. But what I can tell you is that I see which road I want to take. The last day of two thousand eight, I contemplated on the direction you and I were going. I struggled back and forth with the idea of us. Not even the idea of you and I being together but you and I just talking and me being unguarded and letting you in. I fought with myself to find any kind of sign that would just convince me you weren't worth it, any minuscule flaw that would give me a reason to leave. But I just couldn't. I can't. The way you make me feel is a feeling that I haven't felt in years. It's a feeling I tried so hard to ignore, a feeling I wouldn't allow myself to experience with anyone. You said to trust you and so I've let my guard down. I've allowed you to see the true me, the real me. I've allowed myself to let go. You're teaching me how to experience new things. You're teaching me how to be me and not be afraid of what other people may think. You've given me something to look forward to. You've given me a reason to hope. You've given me a reason to believe. Who knows where you and I are going. Quite frankly, that's the last thing on my mind. The most important thing you've taught me so far is to live, to live in the present and not worry about the future or resort back to the past. Whether we take it to the next step or not, no matter what you've made your mark in my life and I can't thank you enough. You're fun, different and definitely an asshole. And that's exactly what makes this experience with you so... exciting. You're a chance I want to take and a distraction I want to keep. [:

Happy New Year! Helllllllo 2009 ! We'll see how good I can handle.