Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A year and a half
It's been a year and a half since I've last cried. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt my heart drop. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt this sad. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt pain. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt anger.
...until today.
I can't believe it's happening again. My views on relationships will never be the same. And I say never with such confidence and passion. Once again, I've noticed myself mastering the art of Fronting. I thought I lost the skill because I was so happy with my life and the way things turned out, but today... was just another realization that I've mastered Frontin' with such skill that I do it subconsciously. Frontin used to be difficult for me 'cause I was so used to showing my feelings and how happy I was... or am? Now, there's no pain, no second thought. So numb, so amazed that once again... you've proven everyone right. And here I am - embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of everyone - all the people I've spoken to about you - expressing how confident I was that you were a different one - someone mature. It's like a slap in the face how disrespected I feel. You brought me back to that day; that day I never wanted to rekindle in my mind.. EVER. I believed in you. And now... you've proven to me that you're hopeless. I will never see you the same way and I fucking HATE saying that. I fucking HATE to say that I was wrong about you. I fucking HATE that you had to prove THEM right, and ME wrong. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID THAT YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT LET ALONE RESPECT FOR OTHERS?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I fucking HATE feeling angry. I fucking HATE feeling betrayed.
Congratulations.
You've managed to bring out the side of me I hoped would never show. Look at all my blogs. Not ONCE in this entire Chapter Two was I angry or showed this much disgust... until now. And it sucks cause I had to blog about it, KNOWING that there's fourteen people following this shit. But I had to cause I can't keep this shit inside of me.
So, good fucking job. I am so PROUD of you.
come to think of it... you would be the one person to bring out this side of me.
...until today.
I can't believe it's happening again. My views on relationships will never be the same. And I say never with such confidence and passion. Once again, I've noticed myself mastering the art of Fronting. I thought I lost the skill because I was so happy with my life and the way things turned out, but today... was just another realization that I've mastered Frontin' with such skill that I do it subconsciously. Frontin used to be difficult for me 'cause I was so used to showing my feelings and how happy I was... or am? Now, there's no pain, no second thought. So numb, so amazed that once again... you've proven everyone right. And here I am - embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of everyone - all the people I've spoken to about you - expressing how confident I was that you were a different one - someone mature. It's like a slap in the face how disrespected I feel. You brought me back to that day; that day I never wanted to rekindle in my mind.. EVER. I believed in you. And now... you've proven to me that you're hopeless. I will never see you the same way and I fucking HATE saying that. I fucking HATE to say that I was wrong about you. I fucking HATE that you had to prove THEM right, and ME wrong. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID THAT YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT LET ALONE RESPECT FOR OTHERS?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I fucking HATE feeling angry. I fucking HATE feeling betrayed.
Congratulations.
You've managed to bring out the side of me I hoped would never show. Look at all my blogs. Not ONCE in this entire Chapter Two was I angry or showed this much disgust... until now. And it sucks cause I had to blog about it, KNOWING that there's fourteen people following this shit. But I had to cause I can't keep this shit inside of me.
So, good fucking job. I am so PROUD of you.
come to think of it... you would be the one person to bring out this side of me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Illuminated
Illuminated by darkness, it's difficult to see. To see the road ahead let alone the next step our foot decides to make. still we continue on a path we are not able to define. Illuminated by darkness, we take that step. Unable to distinguish each of our senses, we move blindly - weak in body, weak in emotion, weak in mind. Our only push is that thin piece of thread that dwells in our heart to keep moving. We stay focused - believing with our heart that hope still exists - that life still exists. Alone. Surrounded only by our thoughts, we struggle to grasp the mere idea of light. Yet, to allow the struggle to win seems too easy; to allow the game to play you is no option. Don't give up. Continue moving. Alone. -you convinced yourself to be. You've shut everyone out - believing that no one understands. Day by day - you stay in that blackened room - illuminated by darkness. Separated from the world - you put yourself. Blind to see the love, unable to feel - you chose to be numb. You chose to be weak. You hold tightly onto you faith - your God --- Our God. Yet you don't see that I'm there watching each step you make - reaching my hand out for you to grab. Never letting you fall as you sit illuminated by darkness. Past your insecurities, past the difficulties of life, past the burdens you seem to carry - I'm there. Waiting for you to see me; waiting for you to see the light.
-Kathleen Robeniol
2/11/09 -- Starbucks @ CPP
-Kathleen Robeniol
2/11/09 -- Starbucks @ CPP
Needed
Today officially marks the final day in which I don't have to stress about papers, midterms, projects and presentations. Such a needed day. Not to mention, healthy eating [besides the late night run that was just made with Byronface & Manyoucall] good talks, and live soothing piano music. I agree with Karl, Wednesdays are good days. [: Too bad I didn't see him alll day today!!! Mr. LetsNotWakeUpForClass&GetOutEarlyFromEcon. ]; It's okayyy... I practically have him allllll day tomorrow [x
After my Stats class I met up with Paul at starbucks for our writing session. Shit mann. I love how I'm getting so much closer to him. Paul's legit. Who would've known our love for meaningful words and passion for writing would bring us closer together.-- I lavv it. Later on Byronface, Manyoucall and Jowena met us up and we all chilled and did our own thing. Twas tight. After getting kicked out by a Starbucks that closes at 10, a library that closes at 1030 and a full on packed 24 computer lab, we all decided to retreat over to the Village Recreation Center in hopes for space and that study room with the piano. The studyroom was a fail. But it's okay cause I got more writing done. [:
Wendy's drivethru is NOT, I repeat NOT open until 2am. Also, the McDonald's on Diamond Bar is NOT, I repeat NOT open 24hrs. Mthrfckrs. Epic fail for latenight runs. But can I just say... I've never seen so much desire for McDonalds from two individuals than I have from Byronface and Manyoucall. As for me - I really didn't care - all I wanted was food. If only I could've recorded our 10 minute wait going back and forth to both drive-thru windows and our 30 second engine shut down right next to the ordering machine - shit would've been AWESOME. Anyway. Thanks gigz for missing us so much he wanted us over [:
After my Stats class I met up with Paul at starbucks for our writing session. Shit mann. I love how I'm getting so much closer to him. Paul's legit. Who would've known our love for meaningful words and passion for writing would bring us closer together.-- I lavv it. Later on Byronface, Manyoucall and Jowena met us up and we all chilled and did our own thing. Twas tight. After getting kicked out by a Starbucks that closes at 10, a library that closes at 1030 and a full on packed 24 computer lab, we all decided to retreat over to the Village Recreation Center in hopes for space and that study room with the piano. The studyroom was a fail. But it's okay cause I got more writing done. [:
Wendy's drivethru is NOT, I repeat NOT open until 2am. Also, the McDonald's on Diamond Bar is NOT, I repeat NOT open 24hrs. Mthrfckrs. Epic fail for latenight runs. But can I just say... I've never seen so much desire for McDonalds from two individuals than I have from Byronface and Manyoucall. As for me - I really didn't care - all I wanted was food. If only I could've recorded our 10 minute wait going back and forth to both drive-thru windows and our 30 second engine shut down right next to the ordering machine - shit would've been AWESOME. Anyway. Thanks gigz for missing us so much he wanted us over [:
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Breather
This is going to be a long blog.
I feel like this is unhealthy for me... not to blog for this long of a time. SO MUCH SHIT HAPPENED. I don't even know where to begin. So in addition to a long ass blog, it's gonna be hella scattered.
So dating back to the night of my last blog, Jan. 31, I did end up seeing you. [: That was gooood and it made me real happy. ;] The next day was SCPASA [ thanks zugey(: ] at UCR. That was dope too. Met some pretty cool people and got a pretty nice compliment [x Ahah shut up Karl! haha Karl and Andrew are just jealous, that's all. aahhah anyway. Went home for the weekend, and spent some time with dad's side of the family and watched the Superbowl. Twas fun and filling. I love my family. OH! and Kuya Pat finally came out and spent some time with us too. So far, it's been the highlight of my year. This is only a start. hMm.. then comes Hell Week Feb 1 to Feb "6". I've never lost so much sleep in one week alone, than that of the 1st of February. Hell week + Midterms = no bueno ]; kindof. I got my shit done. Studied and I seriously hope I did well.. especially on my Stats midterm.
And a quick note. *If you ever fucking so much as slap him or touch him again, I will slap you. And this time, I won't think twice about it. Do not even THINK about disrespecting me again. That goes for any other of my friends, you stupid STUPID girl. Your ignorance and lack of common sense still amazes me. Remember that.*
Going back to what I was saying before I remembered that incident, Hell week I lost a lot of sleep. From Tuesday to Thursday I was up for more than 40 hours straight. Had a BEC performance on Thursday. Our first time to show off our new set. I love it. Right after the performance we headed over to the studio to continue practicing. Talk about a hella busy day/night. We filmed for our Fusion Video. Shits comedy. I love it! [: Then... surprise surprise.. WOBZ CAME BACKK!!!! yaaaaaaaay! And she brought Joe Larot from Jabbawockeez! Talk about star-struck. ;ADSJF;ASDFJ AHHHH.! Never in a million years would I have thought I would get a chance to NOT ONLY meet an original, but to groove and learn from him too. He's tight and fsure legit. I missed wobz a lot too! Stupid ABDC. What's the world coming to!? Retards. Anyway, they decided to eat at Denny's after practice and I knocked the fuck out. And apparently, I have swag when I sleep? UGH. Is it that necessary to take pictures while I sleep? -_- laame. ahah I finally crashed and I didn't wake up until 2 the next day. ]; I missed my effing in class essay for English. BLAHH. Find out that So Fresh is CANCELED. ]; Karl decides to give me a surprise visit. That was fun. Chilled at my dorm then went over to Brea mall to meet up with Jowena, Byron and Alex. After we all headed over to Joe's Sushi for Robbie's 19th Birthday. Not even five minutes into being there, Jay tells us that Robbie hydroplaned and got into a car accident and that Paul and Nick left to get him. I broke down inside but tried to keep my composer. What are the odds? I'm just so glad that he's alive and okay. God was definitely with him. We brought everyone over to Jowena's at the Crest cause Robbie cldnt join us at Joe's Sushi. Surprised him, hookah'd, drank, watched a movie, then knocked the fuck out.
Another quick note. *You're concentrating on me a little too much, honey.
The last three days have been spent at the Crest and with the people I can't ever seem to stop loving. Bummed it with Jowena the ENTIRE day on Saturday. Definitely needed in a time like this. Jowena and I had our first visit to Locust Lounge last night. I totally saw a couple Amat heads there. Shit was soo weird! Highlights of the night: saw my distraction [:, "It's Sea World.", "like... Hola Shamu" AHAHAHAHAH fcking Byron. Comedy.
Okayy.. I'll update again hopefully soon.
I feel like this is unhealthy for me... not to blog for this long of a time. SO MUCH SHIT HAPPENED. I don't even know where to begin. So in addition to a long ass blog, it's gonna be hella scattered.
So dating back to the night of my last blog, Jan. 31, I did end up seeing you. [: That was gooood and it made me real happy. ;] The next day was SCPASA [ thanks zugey(: ] at UCR. That was dope too. Met some pretty cool people and got a pretty nice compliment [x Ahah shut up Karl! haha Karl and Andrew are just jealous, that's all. aahhah anyway. Went home for the weekend, and spent some time with dad's side of the family and watched the Superbowl. Twas fun and filling. I love my family. OH! and Kuya Pat finally came out and spent some time with us too. So far, it's been the highlight of my year. This is only a start. hMm.. then comes Hell Week Feb 1 to Feb "6". I've never lost so much sleep in one week alone, than that of the 1st of February. Hell week + Midterms = no bueno ]; kindof. I got my shit done. Studied and I seriously hope I did well.. especially on my Stats midterm.
And a quick note. *If you ever fucking so much as slap him or touch him again, I will slap you. And this time, I won't think twice about it. Do not even THINK about disrespecting me again. That goes for any other of my friends, you stupid STUPID girl. Your ignorance and lack of common sense still amazes me. Remember that.*
Going back to what I was saying before I remembered that incident, Hell week I lost a lot of sleep. From Tuesday to Thursday I was up for more than 40 hours straight. Had a BEC performance on Thursday. Our first time to show off our new set. I love it. Right after the performance we headed over to the studio to continue practicing. Talk about a hella busy day/night. We filmed for our Fusion Video. Shits comedy. I love it! [: Then... surprise surprise.. WOBZ CAME BACKK!!!! yaaaaaaaay! And she brought Joe Larot from Jabbawockeez! Talk about star-struck. ;ADSJF;ASDFJ AHHHH.! Never in a million years would I have thought I would get a chance to NOT ONLY meet an original, but to groove and learn from him too. He's tight and fsure legit. I missed wobz a lot too! Stupid ABDC. What's the world coming to!? Retards. Anyway, they decided to eat at Denny's after practice and I knocked the fuck out. And apparently, I have swag when I sleep? UGH. Is it that necessary to take pictures while I sleep? -_- laame. ahah I finally crashed and I didn't wake up until 2 the next day. ]; I missed my effing in class essay for English. BLAHH. Find out that So Fresh is CANCELED. ]; Karl decides to give me a surprise visit. That was fun. Chilled at my dorm then went over to Brea mall to meet up with Jowena, Byron and Alex. After we all headed over to Joe's Sushi for Robbie's 19th Birthday. Not even five minutes into being there, Jay tells us that Robbie hydroplaned and got into a car accident and that Paul and Nick left to get him. I broke down inside but tried to keep my composer. What are the odds? I'm just so glad that he's alive and okay. God was definitely with him. We brought everyone over to Jowena's at the Crest cause Robbie cldnt join us at Joe's Sushi. Surprised him, hookah'd, drank, watched a movie, then knocked the fuck out.
Another quick note. *You're concentrating on me a little too much, honey.
The last three days have been spent at the Crest and with the people I can't ever seem to stop loving. Bummed it with Jowena the ENTIRE day on Saturday. Definitely needed in a time like this. Jowena and I had our first visit to Locust Lounge last night. I totally saw a couple Amat heads there. Shit was soo weird! Highlights of the night: saw my distraction [:, "It's Sea World.", "like... Hola Shamu" AHAHAHAHAH fcking Byron. Comedy.
Okayy.. I'll update again hopefully soon.
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