My dream

was so sad last night. ]; It was my eighteenth birthday debut... at an actual hall this time. Family across the world flew in and it was all amazing. Then, when it came to making speeches and hearing speeches - all went downhill. I don't remember exactly what was said or a play-by-play of the dream but all I remember is listening to my mom's speech to me. In front of everyone, the first thing she says to start off her "loving and proud speech" would be: "Why do you act like this? Why do you hate me? and Why do you treat me this way?" I was amazed. My sister sitting right there next to me, amazed as well. My dad looking down not wanting to face what just happened. Ha... and there it is. My life at home. Her outfit was decent but not one of a Debutante's mother. She got called out but still continued with her speech about how not proud she was of me and about the problems that are between her and I. I loved it, I say... best birthday present. -_-" She went on and on and on... and then... I woke up. I remember that feeling though. That feeling of embarrassment, that feeling of not being good enough and that feeling of just not giving a fuck. I hate that feeling. I woke up so many times last night. One at 248, another at 4, another at 530, one at 607 and finally at 838. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really do miss my family though. Ate said that the only time they could go Christmas Shopping would be Saturday. Too bad I can't go. Mann, I don't know, this whole college thing. Come to think of it, it's amazing and whatnot, but lately I've been feeling so discouraged from it all. Everything in my life nowadays doesn't seem to hold up to it's highest potential anymore. It's actually kinda sad.

Anyway, on a happy note. He learned Mad on the piano! Ahahah ohhmy. Major points for that. [: Hm... Idkno. I'm actually giving this one a shot.. which is kinda weird. I love my single life and I'm not expecting anything more or less. But compared to the others, I'm actually allowing myself to be opened to the idea. Ew. I can't even talk about this. I'm too distracted. Hahha I'm just gonna keep all that to myself for now just to eliminate all the questions if nothing does happen.

For now... I can't say aloud that I'm happy. Not like I used to. Matter of fact, I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm content. yet excited and hurting at the same time. Oh well, I think I just need to surround myself with people that love me... like my family back at home or my Amat family. I miss both soo much. I think that's why I'm hurting and not really happy. Till next time I guess..