Intelligent conversation

To restrain from becoming insane, it is necessary to indulge yourself in an intelligent conversation. So I'm sitting here, at the same table as my dad thinking about the last time I had a really good conversation about something important while my dad studies again for his exam in the coming months. I'm thinking to myself, "I need to get involved in an intelligent conversation before I go crazy with myself." But seriously, I think the biggest question there is who to go to. I start to evaluate the close friends that I still talk to and none seem too appealing. No offense intended. But you know... it's that desire, that urge to talk about something real, something important, something, anything... that drives me off the edge. Not necessarily a conversation about me or about situations that I find myself in, but a topic about life, about faith, about love, about the weaknesses and strengths of one another. Seriously, something... anything to remind me that beyond the human figure and human speech there actually is life. A life that cares only for the other lives out there. A life unselfish. A life of love. A conversation with someone who probably knows more about how I function than I do. A conversation with someone who can already tell what I may want to do and stop me from coming close without me saying a word. A conversation with someone who can distinguish my bullshit side from my real side. A conversation with someone who can automatically tell when I'm in fuckit mode and all they have to do is remind me of the possible consequences to get be back on track. A conversation with someone who knows my own worth better than I do and will never think twice about it. A conversation with someone who can listen and not just hear the words that I say. A conversation with someone who can look at my smile and see the tears behind it. A conversation with someone who can look in my eyes and see the broken heart. A conversation with someone who can brush off my attitude simply because they know "that's how I am." A conversation with someone who responds with an actual statement because they were listening. A conversation with someone who would pull me aside once they feel I'm starting to act different. A conversation with someone who can put themselves in my shoes and still be able to show me the opposite side of the coin. A conversation with someone that can take place in the arms of each other with unspoken words. A conversation with someone who I'm not afraid of telling everything to without worrying about the judgment to follow. A conversation with someone who's simple, "I love you, Kat" can change my mind about taking my life. A conversation I used to have with you, my best friend. The title remains while the meaning sometime change. But in the end, no matter how I feel, no matter how hurt I may be, no matter how many times I tell you that I accept everything you do... I'll still be the one always there right by your side whenever you need me. Fuck. ykno... you really don't know how much it hurts. How much I want to be that person you can come to knowing in my heart that by the end of the day YOU aren't able to be that person for me. I feel like our friendship's been tested. I've forgiven you for abandoning me before, but I honestly can't tell you that I'm up for being left behind again. We're friends whenever you say we are. Otherwise, there's a silencing gap that lasts for more than a month or so. It's been brought to each other's attention, yet... nothing changes. I want to call you, but I usually get no answer. Fuck ykno.. seriously, it's hard enough for me to respect all your decisions and go along with it all, but it's even harder listening to you say that you miss me, that you miss what used to be when 'what could be' never crosses your mind. It's stupid for me to simply just ask "what happened to the respect you had for me and our friendship." Because in all honesty, that just sounds too damn selfish for my liking at the moment. But seriously?! Where'd that go? At times, it seems as if I'm someone you can take out of a box whenever you damn please. It isn't fucking like that. It just isn't. And I'm pretty damn tired of feeling that way, especially with you, someone who I admire nonetheless. Real shit - it really fucking hurts me to call you my best friend and still not be able to go to you. "You're hurting yourself." Fine. I respect that and I can see where that may come true. I don't HAVE to call you my best friend. I don't HAVE to be there for you. I don't HAVE to be that toy. I honestly don't HAVE to even write any of this out. I don't HAVE to do any of it. But lemme tell you - the reason I do anyyyyything that I do when it comes to me and you - is because I love you.

Broaden your perspective with this - because you know that I'm not the only one you do this to. Having it come from me - you're hurting us and the scabs are becoming scars. Some have forgotten, others have left, but don't forget the very few who are still willing. Nothing changes, best friend. My respect for you will always remain the same. My love for you will never end. I just needed to let you know.