"Ugly" & my funeral song

Ugly.

One of the strongest words right next to the words hate and disappointed... at least, in my vocabulary. Life is beautiful, people are beautiful, paintings are beautiful. But it bothers me that all that, although created with the best intentions can, in an instant become so tainted. Everyone was created beautiful, yet there are some who lack the ability to see that beauty and then there are those who decide to paint over their own masterpieces with colors that destroy the entirety of the picture but also manage to somehow make that beautiful again... only if they wish to. I mean think about it: on a canvas, the picture is already sketched out... all we have to do is stay inside the lines, paint and color it in. But as only humans, it's a given that we would color outside the lines at times. In the end, the picture will still come out to be what it's always meant to be - a work of art. I guess you can say, that at this exact moment I lost track of just that. I lost sight that whatever is happening, no matter what my opinion may be, the outcome will still and always remain a work of art. I guess it's just... I can't imagine what had happened. Look at yourself. What happened to you? You've changed so much... over such a small amount of time. You saw it as your getaway, something to relieve the pain, something to distract your thoughts, your own reality. But in truth, it was only something temporary. That feeling it gives you... only lasts for a couple of hours... and then what? Back to reality? back to the "real world"? And then when you realized that you're back in that exact zone you tried getting away from, you couldn't handle it, you didn't know how to deal with it, so you went straight back to that temporary feeling you seem to enjoy so much. "Disappointed" doesn't affect you anymore, "hate" or hatred doesn't affect you anymore. So what about "Ugly." Anything? Any affects? Any feelings? I bet no one's said that to you before... that you look ugly. You're addicted and you can't stop. You've tried. I'm not saying that it's impossible and that's not what I'm implying either. Don't stop for the people that love you, stop for yourself. It's your own canvas, it's your own masterpiece. It isn't too late. Will-power -- you have that. Strength -- use it. Love -- share it. Intelligence -- spread it.


My funeral --
I want it to be a happy memory, one that people remember happy thoughts at. I want to be a reunion for all those who lost touch. I want it be a place where instead of all that crying, people are there trying to imitate my many laughs. I want it to be a place where school memories and happy moments are shared. I want it to be a place where people wear white rather than black - DESPITE the "tradition" or the "sign of the respect." Wear white - the color of purity, of life. A life not like the one on earth, a life of no worries and no sadness. The beginning of a new chapter, a new volume. I want it to be a place where the the background music is Michael Jackson's - You Are Not Alone followed by a playlist of songs people remember me singing. I want it to be a place where family, friends and relationships get closer not farther apart. Not so much a place where people talk about what I'm known for or what I've done, what I've achieved, what I wished to achieve. I know I'm saying that I want my funeral to be this and that. But truthfully, at this point in my life all I really want is for my parents and Nyl to be able to stay in a room together and not want to kill one another. Hopefully by then both my parents will realize that He kept me alive for 3 years longer, that despite the hurt, he made me who I became - someone happy. And hopefully by then they'd understand and come to some kind of appreciation of him - that he was one of the people who influenced me to become a better person, a stronger one. That my relationship with him was genuine and sincere & it only taught me values in life that I never really understood. Hopefully by then, Nyl would realize that my parents were only looking out for the best of me. That they weren't just my parents and people who went in between you and I, but the two people who made fighting for what we had one of the best adventures of my life. They were also my inspirations to move on; their need and push for me to strive for my best was only another push forward for me to not only be inspired but to inspire as well. I want their relationship to be without blame, without shame, without grudges, without hatred. If not for each other... for me, for my sake. That's all I've been wanting - all these years; see the beauty of each other through my eyes.



One day...