Something from a book

So just a few moments ago, I asked my mom if I could sleep over my cousin, Aileen's house because for one thing, it's her little sister's birthday today, Arleen and there's still debut practice tomorrow at like 330, so it makes sense for me to ask, doesn't i? Just to save some gas instead of driving to Cerritos and then back the next day... especially with my beast of a car named, Dwayne. Her response, an automatic "No. Your Tita Nimfa [Aileen & Arleen's mom] doesn't want you to sleep over there. No." Uh. okay, what the fuck am I supposed to say to that? What the fuck am I supposed to think about that? I stayed there in front of her for a little longer forcing myself to move but not. I went to my room and decided to blog this. What is that though?! Seriously?! I'm thinking about my track record for the past 2 years or so and I can't think of anything I've done wrong for my Tita to not want me to sleep over. I can't think of anything she could disagree with for that matter. I haven't even hung out with my cousins in what.... 3 years?! I see them, lets say 4 to 5 times a year plus or minus some. I don't see any reason for her not to want me to sleep over. So now I'm trying to put the pieces together. My mom hasn't seen her mom who lives with Aileen and Arleen for a really long time now. Why? I have no clue. Last time was what? Christmas or New Years? Maybe March for her birthday. And if you really think about it, why would my mom respond to me like that. A straight up, "no your tita nimfa doesn't want you to sleep over there." I didn't even ask why I couldn't sleep over there. A simple "No" would've been fine. Okay, and I know for damn sure that my mom and Tita Nimfa don't talk. They hated each other once before taking the family to be in one of the many family feuds/separations in my childhood years. Is that happening again? Is my mom hating on her own side again? Does my mom have something against them that I don't know about? Something against her mom? Something she might disagree with? Something? Another one of her issues that she doesn't want to take responsibility for so she points fingers and make it seem like I did something wrong just because I probably "won't know any better". This is stupid and it totally killed my mood. I wish my sister were here or someone I could go and talk to about it. But of course... no one is. I swear, this is freaking retarded. Cause now I feel like there's more pressure on me. and now I'm stuck trying to think of a reason why Tita Nimfa wouldn't want me to sleep over, it's not like I force her two kids to do shit. So am I a bad influence? No one knows what I do. No one knows what I did. So what the hell? What the hell did I do wrong this time?


As close as my family is and as much as I may love them - shits fucking retarded and everyone needs to grow the fuck up because this whole "holding grudges bullshit" is gonna end with them, the older generation. And I'm getting pretty damn sick and tired of them thinking nothing except "what goes on with the adults shouldn't affect you and the cousins." Honestly? Every part of that sentence proves how ignorant each one of them can be. And THAT is an embarrassment.

My want list

Everyone has a list of things they want and every day that list alters either growing larger or smaller switching items rearranging them by their own personal desires. I have a list. And it ranges from Polly Pockets to Yachts and everything in between. However, although my desires for polly pockets and yachts remains, I know that it won't always be the same. My list changes. It grows, it shrinks, it rearranges. I'm starting a new chapter in my life - college. And I'm not even gonna lie, I'm so scared. That transition from being spoon-fed in high school to having to chose your own path in college is scaring every part of my body. It's like, all of a sudden a majority of things on my list means absolutely nothing at this point. I thought about it, and the things on my list won't prepare me for whats to come. So I've rearranged my priorities and switched some things around. And now... I've come up with a new list - My Need List. I've figured out that there were some things on my want list that are more important and should be considered more valuable. My Need List. It even sounds more important. I think I got a little carried away with my want list and now I found my own way to get what I need rather than wait for someone to give me what I want or wait for my wallet to go empty. I'm slowly learning to fend for myself and to rely only on myself. I'm slowly learning how to be an independent person and to be my own push. I'm slowly learning how to live and how to live for me alone. I've found that relying on people to be there for me isn't going to help me grow up. Taking matters into my own hands, being responsible and taking responsibility for my own actions, standing up for what I believe in whether alone or with company and staying strong for my own being needs my full and complete attention. Distractions are a given but I can't lose focus on my goal. Lately, my ideas have changed [a little] about temporary happiness. I guess you can argue that temporary happiness is still happiness. The only problem with that, in my opinion, is that it's only temporary, it's only going to last for so long.... and then what? Go back to being in the same state of mind as you were in before that temporary happiness kicked in? even with the possibility of being worse than when you actually started for those who aren't able to be strong enough to deal with the consequences. Another thing that I find so disturbing about the idea of temporary happiness is that at times, you don't even know if it's temporary or not until it's actually gone, right?! There are exemptions, I mean there are situations where you know that it going to be temporary. Take for example, the idea of drugs and addictions. They give you that temporary getaway that you feel that you need and can get through substances like those. Addictions, focusing your attention and convincing yourself that a simple stick of tobacco plus some eases your mind and helps you calm down. Using drugs, cigarettes and other addictions as a getaway from reality. Using them with the mindset that it "eases your pain" or "calms you down" or "takes your mind off of things", things you already convinced yourself you couldn't handle. Not because you are incapable, but because you ALLOW yourself to be weak about the situation instead of facing it, dealing with it and taking responsibility for your own actions. Or for others, "just something to do" or the whole idea of "it's so hard to stop." Not denying that it is, but what in life is easy. Nothing if you really think about it. Everything in life is still doable. I'm not trying to bash on those who smoke, do drugs or have any other addictions believe I'm not. I mean, out of all people... trust me that's not what I'm trying to do. All I'm saying is that you can make that switch if you really focused yourself on it. You can make that: "I should stop, I want to stop" idea and move is over to the other list and make it "I need to stop." That's what I like about this need list, every bullet point becomes a main priority and another main goal.

"Live..."

"Live life to the fullest"
"Live each day as if it were your last."

I've come around these quotes so many times especially during high school and even more now that I'm entering my first year of college. Today, I really thought about these two specific quotes and I have so many unanswered questions. How do you live life to it's fullest potential? I guess you can say that the answer varies from person to person. In my opinion, living each day as if it were your last is pretty time consuming, don't you think? There have been times already that I've thought out how I would want to live my last day... and to be really honest I'm not sure if I could or would want to live that kind of a day every day. So I'm trying to think realistically, but I can't get over the saying. How do you live life to the fullest? What's "the fullest"? How do you live each day as if it were your last? Every day is different, you can't control what happens. If you really think about it, our lives are already planned out. Like I mentioned in my last blog... the canvas is already sketched out. So now... how do you know what part of the picture to color in? and what color do you use? After taking a few minutes to contemplate on the many questions that invade my mind I can't help but finalize my own idea of living life to its fullest and living each day as if it were my last. This summer, I've been able to rekindle old friendships, I've been blessed to have made new ones and truthfully, since the beginning of the year in January I've been more than able to forgive myself and from there forgive others & ask for forgiveness as well. I know I'm not finished making mistakes, learning lessons and experiencing the unknown, but simply being able to patch up what I've helped mess up I think is an opportunity of a life time. Those around me know, if I haven't told them already that they, [that you reading whoever you may be] have helped to make me a better person, a happier person. And I think that that's exactly it - to live life to it's fullest and to live each day as if it were your last is to be blessed with the gift to wake up every morning with a mindset that we begin every day, every journey differently and that no day is ever the same, and to finally realize and understand that we, alone choose to be happy and we are the only ones that have the ability to do just that; Without forgetting to acknowledge those who have helped paved the way for that new day.


That's how I want to live my life to the fullest.

"Ugly" & my funeral song

Ugly.

One of the strongest words right next to the words hate and disappointed... at least, in my vocabulary. Life is beautiful, people are beautiful, paintings are beautiful. But it bothers me that all that, although created with the best intentions can, in an instant become so tainted. Everyone was created beautiful, yet there are some who lack the ability to see that beauty and then there are those who decide to paint over their own masterpieces with colors that destroy the entirety of the picture but also manage to somehow make that beautiful again... only if they wish to. I mean think about it: on a canvas, the picture is already sketched out... all we have to do is stay inside the lines, paint and color it in. But as only humans, it's a given that we would color outside the lines at times. In the end, the picture will still come out to be what it's always meant to be - a work of art. I guess you can say, that at this exact moment I lost track of just that. I lost sight that whatever is happening, no matter what my opinion may be, the outcome will still and always remain a work of art. I guess it's just... I can't imagine what had happened. Look at yourself. What happened to you? You've changed so much... over such a small amount of time. You saw it as your getaway, something to relieve the pain, something to distract your thoughts, your own reality. But in truth, it was only something temporary. That feeling it gives you... only lasts for a couple of hours... and then what? Back to reality? back to the "real world"? And then when you realized that you're back in that exact zone you tried getting away from, you couldn't handle it, you didn't know how to deal with it, so you went straight back to that temporary feeling you seem to enjoy so much. "Disappointed" doesn't affect you anymore, "hate" or hatred doesn't affect you anymore. So what about "Ugly." Anything? Any affects? Any feelings? I bet no one's said that to you before... that you look ugly. You're addicted and you can't stop. You've tried. I'm not saying that it's impossible and that's not what I'm implying either. Don't stop for the people that love you, stop for yourself. It's your own canvas, it's your own masterpiece. It isn't too late. Will-power -- you have that. Strength -- use it. Love -- share it. Intelligence -- spread it.


My funeral --
I want it to be a happy memory, one that people remember happy thoughts at. I want to be a reunion for all those who lost touch. I want it be a place where instead of all that crying, people are there trying to imitate my many laughs. I want it to be a place where school memories and happy moments are shared. I want it to be a place where people wear white rather than black - DESPITE the "tradition" or the "sign of the respect." Wear white - the color of purity, of life. A life not like the one on earth, a life of no worries and no sadness. The beginning of a new chapter, a new volume. I want it to be a place where the the background music is Michael Jackson's - You Are Not Alone followed by a playlist of songs people remember me singing. I want it to be a place where family, friends and relationships get closer not farther apart. Not so much a place where people talk about what I'm known for or what I've done, what I've achieved, what I wished to achieve. I know I'm saying that I want my funeral to be this and that. But truthfully, at this point in my life all I really want is for my parents and Nyl to be able to stay in a room together and not want to kill one another. Hopefully by then both my parents will realize that He kept me alive for 3 years longer, that despite the hurt, he made me who I became - someone happy. And hopefully by then they'd understand and come to some kind of appreciation of him - that he was one of the people who influenced me to become a better person, a stronger one. That my relationship with him was genuine and sincere & it only taught me values in life that I never really understood. Hopefully by then, Nyl would realize that my parents were only looking out for the best of me. That they weren't just my parents and people who went in between you and I, but the two people who made fighting for what we had one of the best adventures of my life. They were also my inspirations to move on; their need and push for me to strive for my best was only another push forward for me to not only be inspired but to inspire as well. I want their relationship to be without blame, without shame, without grudges, without hatred. If not for each other... for me, for my sake. That's all I've been wanting - all these years; see the beauty of each other through my eyes.



One day...

Beyond the yellow tape

You know what bugs? The idea that society has managed to manipulate situations to make them seem immortal. We were put in this world to love, to love unconditionally, to enjoy the beauty of life and our surroundings, to engage ourselves with one another without limits, to live a life without worry and heartache. So our purpose was altered a bit, so what. Challenges are there to make us better, heartache is there to make us stronger. In the end, all things can be defeated.

People say that it's bad if I fall for you. It's been proven once before, I get it. But still. WHY? I don't get it. I'm beating myself up with this. How could we never be if were never to begin with? It's that thin thin line. It's that stupid line that I can't get over. I see it, I know it's there, but I crossed it nonetheless. It's like one of those scenes you see in movies where no one ever thinks of passing because of the stories they've heard.[Think of an island & a deserted road that no one goes through because their afraid.] You find yourself walking by a crowd of people drawn to scene only because a few children curiously made their way down the road and never came back and in front of them is that yellow caution tape surrounding the scene. You get curious so you make your way through the crowd to the front of the line, stopped by the yellow tape. You look and all you see is a plain sight and an empty road. You wonder why no one was moving, so staying quiet you listen to those around you telling their own story of what they claim to know and their own reason for the closed off area. There's no other sign, no sign of danger, no sign of slippery floors, no sign of dips or sharp turns, no police officer to stop you from going in. Your mind has mixed emotions, should I be sad? should I be worried that someone I know might be involved? should I hope that no one was hurt? You stand there, waist and hands touching the caution tape, thinking to yourself, 'look at how many people are here, how many people have been standing here talking with one another, telling their own story of what happened but not really knowing. look at these people just watching and waiting for someone to tell them what really went down instead of taking matters into their own hands and making sure the kids are safe.' Then you think to yourself, 'watching and waiting won't give me the answers I'm looking for.' So you take that brave step, that step that no one else around you dared to do - you lift up that yellow caution tape and make your way down the road aimlessly. The crowd falls silent, watching to see if any of their stories match up to what might actually happen. You make your way through not knowing where to go and slowly that feeling of others around you disappears. Walking down the road fearlessly, you stop in awe. There are no words you can possibly think of saying. The scene is indescribable. You think to yourself, 'no wonder no one ever wants to go back, it's beautiful.' Time passes and once you get settled in, you find yourself wondering about those other 70 people - 'are they still standing on the other side of that yellow tape? that same yellow tape that doesn't restrict you from passing through but only gives you a perfect reason to just be careful.' All of a sudden it all comes together. Caution tape - because you truly don't know what you're in for. Caution because you might not even want to go back. But then you really see,you really see that that yellow tape was actually an invitation, an invitation to take a chance that not many people would think of taking. One that people are so used to standing on the opposite side because it's the "safe side", the "safe zone". So they're standing there, watching and waiting for any sign of a life to appear and you wish that they can enjoy the life you have right now with you instead of wasting time waiting for great opportunities to be given to you. Sometimes, you just gotta take that chance, that chance that you see no one would.

For me, I've stood in that crowd for too long. I've watched. I've waited. I've listened. I've made that mysterious road my lowkey mission. I've wondered of what could be. I've lived in the 'what ifs". But I'm done with waiting, I'm done with wishing and wondering. I'm done with watching. I'm done being like everyone else and just standing there making up their own stories. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad I'm done with all of that. I'm glad because that road led me to pure and genuine happiness, that road led me to you.

Intelligent conversation

To restrain from becoming insane, it is necessary to indulge yourself in an intelligent conversation. So I'm sitting here, at the same table as my dad thinking about the last time I had a really good conversation about something important while my dad studies again for his exam in the coming months. I'm thinking to myself, "I need to get involved in an intelligent conversation before I go crazy with myself." But seriously, I think the biggest question there is who to go to. I start to evaluate the close friends that I still talk to and none seem too appealing. No offense intended. But you know... it's that desire, that urge to talk about something real, something important, something, anything... that drives me off the edge. Not necessarily a conversation about me or about situations that I find myself in, but a topic about life, about faith, about love, about the weaknesses and strengths of one another. Seriously, something... anything to remind me that beyond the human figure and human speech there actually is life. A life that cares only for the other lives out there. A life unselfish. A life of love. A conversation with someone who probably knows more about how I function than I do. A conversation with someone who can already tell what I may want to do and stop me from coming close without me saying a word. A conversation with someone who can distinguish my bullshit side from my real side. A conversation with someone who can automatically tell when I'm in fuckit mode and all they have to do is remind me of the possible consequences to get be back on track. A conversation with someone who knows my own worth better than I do and will never think twice about it. A conversation with someone who can listen and not just hear the words that I say. A conversation with someone who can look at my smile and see the tears behind it. A conversation with someone who can look in my eyes and see the broken heart. A conversation with someone who can brush off my attitude simply because they know "that's how I am." A conversation with someone who responds with an actual statement because they were listening. A conversation with someone who would pull me aside once they feel I'm starting to act different. A conversation with someone who can put themselves in my shoes and still be able to show me the opposite side of the coin. A conversation with someone that can take place in the arms of each other with unspoken words. A conversation with someone who I'm not afraid of telling everything to without worrying about the judgment to follow. A conversation with someone who's simple, "I love you, Kat" can change my mind about taking my life. A conversation I used to have with you, my best friend. The title remains while the meaning sometime change. But in the end, no matter how I feel, no matter how hurt I may be, no matter how many times I tell you that I accept everything you do... I'll still be the one always there right by your side whenever you need me. Fuck. ykno... you really don't know how much it hurts. How much I want to be that person you can come to knowing in my heart that by the end of the day YOU aren't able to be that person for me. I feel like our friendship's been tested. I've forgiven you for abandoning me before, but I honestly can't tell you that I'm up for being left behind again. We're friends whenever you say we are. Otherwise, there's a silencing gap that lasts for more than a month or so. It's been brought to each other's attention, yet... nothing changes. I want to call you, but I usually get no answer. Fuck ykno.. seriously, it's hard enough for me to respect all your decisions and go along with it all, but it's even harder listening to you say that you miss me, that you miss what used to be when 'what could be' never crosses your mind. It's stupid for me to simply just ask "what happened to the respect you had for me and our friendship." Because in all honesty, that just sounds too damn selfish for my liking at the moment. But seriously?! Where'd that go? At times, it seems as if I'm someone you can take out of a box whenever you damn please. It isn't fucking like that. It just isn't. And I'm pretty damn tired of feeling that way, especially with you, someone who I admire nonetheless. Real shit - it really fucking hurts me to call you my best friend and still not be able to go to you. "You're hurting yourself." Fine. I respect that and I can see where that may come true. I don't HAVE to call you my best friend. I don't HAVE to be there for you. I don't HAVE to be that toy. I honestly don't HAVE to even write any of this out. I don't HAVE to do any of it. But lemme tell you - the reason I do anyyyyything that I do when it comes to me and you - is because I love you.

Broaden your perspective with this - because you know that I'm not the only one you do this to. Having it come from me - you're hurting us and the scabs are becoming scars. Some have forgotten, others have left, but don't forget the very few who are still willing. Nothing changes, best friend. My respect for you will always remain the same. My love for you will never end. I just needed to let you know.