CHAPTER TWO

2009-02-24T09:53:00.001-08:00

Chapter Three.

A year and a half

2009-02-18T02:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a year and a half since I've last cried. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt my heart drop. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt this sad. It's been a year and a half since I've last felt pain. It's been a year and a half since I've ever felt anger.

...until today.

I can't believe it's happening again. My views on relationships will never be the same. And I say never with such confidence and passion. Once again, I've noticed myself mastering the art of Fronting. I thought I lost the skill because I was so happy with my life and the way things turned out, but today... was just another realization that I've mastered Frontin' with such skill that I do it subconsciously. Frontin used to be difficult for me 'cause I was so used to showing my feelings and how happy I was... or am? Now, there's no pain, no second thought. So numb, so amazed that once again... you've proven everyone right. And here I am - embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of everyone - all the people I've spoken to about you - expressing how confident I was that you were a different one - someone mature. It's like a slap in the face how disrespected I feel. You brought me back to that day; that day I never wanted to rekindle in my mind.. EVER. I believed in you. And now... you've proven to me that you're hopeless. I will never see you the same way and I fucking HATE saying that. I fucking HATE to say that I was wrong about you. I fucking HATE that you had to prove THEM right, and ME wrong. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?! ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID THAT YOU HAVE NO SELF RESPECT LET ALONE RESPECT FOR OTHERS?! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I fucking HATE feeling angry. I fucking HATE feeling betrayed.

Congratulations.
You've managed to bring out the side of me I hoped would never show. Look at all my blogs. Not ONCE in this entire Chapter Two was I angry or showed this much disgust... until now. And it sucks cause I had to blog about it, KNOWING that there's fourteen people following this shit. But I had to cause I can't keep this shit inside of me.

So, good fucking job. I am so PROUD of you.
come to think of it... you would be the one person to bring out this side of me.

Illuminated

2009-02-12T03:43:00.000-08:00

Illuminated by darkness, it's difficult to see. To see the road ahead let alone the next step our foot decides to make. still we continue on a path we are not able to define. Illuminated by darkness, we take that step. Unable to distinguish each of our senses, we move blindly - weak in body, weak in emotion, weak in mind. Our only push is that thin piece of thread that dwells in our heart to keep moving. We stay focused - believing with our heart that hope still exists - that life still exists. Alone. Surrounded only by our thoughts, we struggle to grasp the mere idea of light. Yet, to allow the struggle to win seems too easy; to allow the game to play you is no option. Don't give up. Continue moving. Alone. -you convinced yourself to be. You've shut everyone out - believing that no one understands. Day by day - you stay in that blackened room - illuminated by darkness. Separated from the world - you put yourself. Blind to see the love, unable to feel - you chose to be numb. You chose to be weak. You hold tightly onto you faith - your God --- Our God. Yet you don't see that I'm there watching each step you make - reaching my hand out for you to grab. Never letting you fall as you sit illuminated by darkness. Past your insecurities, past the difficulties of life, past the burdens you seem to carry - I'm there. Waiting for you to see me; waiting for you to see the light.

-Kathleen Robeniol
2/11/09 -- Starbucks @ CPP

Needed

2009-02-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

Today officially marks the final day in which I don't have to stress about papers, midterms, projects and presentations. Such a needed day. Not to mention, healthy eating [besides the late night run that was just made with Byronface & Manyoucall] good talks, and live soothing piano music. I agree with Karl, Wednesdays are good days. [: Too bad I didn't see him alll day today!!! Mr. LetsNotWakeUpForClass&GetOutEarlyFromEcon. ]; It's okayyy... I practically have him allllll day tomorrow [x

After my Stats class I met up with Paul at starbucks for our writing session. Shit mann. I love how I'm getting so much closer to him. Paul's legit. Who would've known our love for meaningful words and passion for writing would bring us closer together.-- I lavv it. Later on Byronface, Manyoucall and Jowena met us up and we all chilled and did our own thing. Twas tight. After getting kicked out by a Starbucks that closes at 10, a library that closes at 1030 and a full on packed 24 computer lab, we all decided to retreat over to the Village Recreation Center in hopes for space and that study room with the piano. The studyroom was a fail. But it's okay cause I got more writing done. [:

Wendy's drivethru is NOT, I repeat NOT open until 2am. Also, the McDonald's on Diamond Bar is NOT, I repeat NOT open 24hrs. Mthrfckrs. Epic fail for latenight runs. But can I just say... I've never seen so much desire for McDonalds from two individuals than I have from Byronface and Manyoucall. As for me - I really didn't care - all I wanted was food. If only I could've recorded our 10 minute wait going back and forth to both drive-thru windows and our 30 second engine shut down right next to the ordering machine - shit would've been AWESOME. Anyway. Thanks gigz for missing us so much he wanted us over [:

Breather

2009-02-08T00:54:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a long blog.

I feel like this is unhealthy for me... not to blog for this long of a time. SO MUCH SHIT HAPPENED. I don't even know where to begin. So in addition to a long ass blog, it's gonna be hella scattered.

So dating back to the night of my last blog, Jan. 31, I did end up seeing you. [: That was gooood and it made me real happy. ;] The next day was SCPASA [ thanks zugey(: ] at UCR. That was dope too. Met some pretty cool people and got a pretty nice compliment [x Ahah shut up Karl! haha Karl and Andrew are just jealous, that's all. aahhah anyway. Went home for the weekend, and spent some time with dad's side of the family and watched the Superbowl. Twas fun and filling. I love my family. OH! and Kuya Pat finally came out and spent some time with us too. So far, it's been the highlight of my year. This is only a start. hMm.. then comes Hell Week Feb 1 to Feb "6". I've never lost so much sleep in one week alone, than that of the 1st of February. Hell week + Midterms = no bueno ]; kindof. I got my shit done. Studied and I seriously hope I did well.. especially on my Stats midterm.

And a quick note. *If you ever fucking so much as slap him or touch him again, I will slap you. And this time, I won't think twice about it. Do not even THINK about disrespecting me again. That goes for any other of my friends, you stupid STUPID girl. Your ignorance and lack of common sense still amazes me. Remember that.*

Going back to what I was saying before I remembered that incident, Hell week I lost a lot of sleep. From Tuesday to Thursday I was up for more than 40 hours straight. Had a BEC performance on Thursday. Our first time to show off our new set. I love it. Right after the performance we headed over to the studio to continue practicing. Talk about a hella busy day/night. We filmed for our Fusion Video. Shits comedy. I love it! [: Then... surprise surprise.. WOBZ CAME BACKK!!!! yaaaaaaaay! And she brought Joe Larot from Jabbawockeez! Talk about star-struck. ;ADSJF;ASDFJ AHHHH.! Never in a million years would I have thought I would get a chance to NOT ONLY meet an original, but to groove and learn from him too. He's tight and fsure legit. I missed wobz a lot too! Stupid ABDC. What's the world coming to!? Retards. Anyway, they decided to eat at Denny's after practice and I knocked the fuck out. And apparently, I have swag when I sleep? UGH. Is it that necessary to take pictures while I sleep? -_- laame. ahah I finally crashed and I didn't wake up until 2 the next day. ]; I missed my effing in class essay for English. BLAHH. Find out that So Fresh is CANCELED. ]; Karl decides to give me a surprise visit. That was fun. Chilled at my dorm then went over to Brea mall to meet up with Jowena, Byron and Alex. After we all headed over to Joe's Sushi for Robbie's 19th Birthday. Not even five minutes into being there, Jay tells us that Robbie hydroplaned and got into a car accident and that Paul and Nick left to get him. I broke down inside but tried to keep my composer. What are the odds? I'm just so glad that he's alive and okay. God was definitely with him. We brought everyone over to Jowena's at the Crest cause Robbie cldnt join us at Joe's Sushi. Surprised him, hookah'd, drank, watched a movie, then knocked the fuck out.

Another quick note. *You're concentrating on me a little too much, honey.

The last three days have been spent at the Crest and with the people I can't ever seem to stop loving. Bummed it with Jowena the ENTIRE day on Saturday. Definitely needed in a time like this. Jowena and I had our first visit to Locust Lounge last night. I totally saw a couple Amat heads there. Shit was soo weird! Highlights of the night: saw my distraction [:, "It's Sea World.", "like... Hola Shamu" AHAHAHAHAH fcking Byron. Comedy.

Okayy.. I'll update again hopefully soon.

Time changes

2009-01-30T01:40:00.000-08:00

things. More times than you would actually know. That is my epiphany tonight. I've always acknowledged the idea of "things never being the same" as one of the wonderful gifts God blesses us with. It hit me again tonight, just right now... that time does change things. It isn't something to be afraid of but something to hold tight and never want to let go. Again, I find myself going back and forth with you. I really don't know what it is - maybe it was just a phase. Maybe you were just a phase. A good one, of course. One that taught me lessons about life and definitely opened new doors and ways of thinking to my world. Earlier this week, I kinda got the feeling of being "used" by you. I hated it. But as soon as I noticed myself thinking that way, I forced the thought out and only pictured the good. At least, tried to. I guess this is where my fantasy meets my morals. And trust me, the two aren't getting along too well. My desire to want you and to let you in my life in that way totally would contradict the way I've always lived my life. I open my eyes, not my legs. Fantasy has me by the rope, but my morals just keep on knockin. I know you aren't that type to either... especially with your background - or lack there of. [: Which! By the way, is verryyy attractive. I guess it's just the thought of it. I want to, but I just can't. I feel like I'd have to actually fall for you, to let you get on that level with me. But I haven't fallen [that hard] for you... yet? Ew. ahah I don't know. My mind's goin off on tangents I can't think. You said you wanted to hang out later today but this was on Tuesday or was it Sunday? I think Tuesday, but whatever. Anyway... it's Friday. And you haven't mentioned it since the first time. However, you did actually call me last night/this morning. That was cute. Ugh! Forget this. I'm sleepy. We'll see how the next few days go and hopefully I'm not in this pickle anymore. Goodnight all!

Justin

2009-01-27T05:13:00.001-08:00

So, Justin and I are drank tonight. A lot. ahhahahah And it's currently 514 in the morning on Tuesday! Yayy for 2009! woot woot. HAHHAHAHH woot. woot. ahahhahaha!!! ohshit. justin and i are funny. ahhaha what are we doing?

we are. drunk. hahaaha
and sleeping on hard wood floors. ]; but apparently, I'M sleeping on the hard wood floor while Justin sleeps on his comfy bed. is that how you spell comfy? or is it... comphy? HAHHAHA no. that looks even worse. fuck that. justin's wrong. ahahhahahahhaha ! oh fuck. zugey has class at eight. and albert is knocked the fuck out. ]; Justin has a test at ten, but he's gonna pass. cause of all the acronems. OHSHIT. im soo drunk. That is totally NOT how you spell that. ahhaha! acronyms! YE BITCH. ahaha okay. i got it. see. im not drunk! shiiiit. yuijokl, im sleepy.

okay. goodnight justin. sleep tits!

A day without sunshine

2009-01-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

What if I stopped smiling?

For some reason, I miss being sad. I miss feeling that piercing pain in all the places you never thought you had. The feeling where the saying, "my heart dropped" comes true. That same feeling you convinced yourself you had that was caused by the one person who you never thought would leave. I miss that. That special connection you have with that person where the meaning of "I love you" surpasses what is normal between friends and brings it to a level between boyfriend and girlfriend & lovers.

Oh well, can't always get what you want.

Api

2009-01-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here with a headache. I'm sleepy. Blah.

wsup pointless blog.

Still

2009-01-18T00:27:00.001-08:00

I've always told myself that the only person that can make you happy is you, and you alone. No matter how bad a day may turn out to be, how much bad news you may hear, or how many people try to bring you down - you have full control to be happy. Whether its a break up or a loss of a loved one, to be able to wake up each morning and continue to love yourself and realize that the one person who will never stop loving you, loves you back regardless how many times you mess up is a gift of happiness in itself. Of course, everyone longs to have that special person to run to, that tangible person, that person who isn't hard to see - one who we aren't blind towards. And I have to admit, I miss that feeling sometimes. Seeing more than half my group of friends have that "boyfriend" or that "girlfriend" makes me reminisce on what I used to have. Trust me though, every time someone asks me if I'm really over it and over you, there's no longer a hesitation or a pause. I've always wanted to just see you happy, and now I see that you have that with her. What you two share.. really is beautiful and I wouldn't have it any other way. [:

People ask me what I want to be when I grow up; my only answer: To be happy. That's my goal. And it'll continue to be no matter what I go through. Sometimes when I say that the reaction I get is "well, of course. But what do you want to be?" Honestly. How many people do you know have that initial response to a question like that other than the usual - doctor, lawyer, engineer teacher, or CEO of some sort. I mean, it's realistic. Right? It makes sense. Well, okay money is money and of course it'll have an impact on my life regardless of how insignificant I may see it to be at different points in my life, but yeahh.. how many people do you know who are HAPPY. And not just content or 'okay' or 'fine'. I mean.. genuinely HAPPY. I don't know about you, but I don't know very many.

I think I'm going through my Brian McKnight phase of my life again. That man is amazing. No joke. Oh! and I found the song I wanted to play for every anniversary I have after I get married. [: I win, bitches.

Hahah I'm just kidding.. about the bitches part. Goodnight everyone!

p.s. I think I know what my next blog will be about. But I need to dig deeper in thought. Until then... keep smiling!

Food for thought

2009-01-16T01:58:00.000-08:00

It's as if a completely different feeling came over my entire being exposing my heart to the world allowing it to be tested for any sign of pain or hurt that was easily dismissed or not felt due to the tragic numbness it acquired throughout the years. Not only did this feeling expose my heart, but it also made way for my mind to wonder. Wondering off into the world I thought I understood, my mind begins to question its own purpose, it's own reason for living, leaving behind the confused and lost heart who longs to feel. Realizing how much the mind and body has grown within the past year brings to surface, what seems to be, a lack of growth of the heart and soul. Can you truly be happy, yet be unsure on how to love? Does love and happiness go hand-in-hand? As far away as the mind may travel, it cannot fully separate itself from the heart. Because somehow, someway, the two will always be connected. But which do you listen to? As it wonders off into the distant sky, the heart is left to feel nothing but lost. Exposed and unaware of its surroundings, the heart continues to move aimlessly with the hope that it may someday find that feeling of love and gain back that strength that earlier weakened its ability to produce a strong enough foundation to withhold the upcoming challenges it has yet to face.

I should be sleeping right now cause practice just ended and I have class at 915 but I can't help but have so many things on my mind. This afternoon was confusing. Had my random breakdown that seriously came out of no where. I hate when that happens.. it's the first of '09. Great. So basically...

I haven't felt that piercing pain since Nyl. That's amazing. I was hoping to never feel that way again but oh well. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. You didn't cause it, no one did. This is something I have to deal with on my own. Without anyone's help. I'm a big girl now, you don't have to worry about me. I've gone through worse shit than this - it doesn't even compare let alone come close to. We'll see how later today goes. Off to bed - Goodnight world and Thank You.

Oh nine - let me be free

2009-01-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's weird. Letting my guard down and allowing someone to enter my life on that level again hasn't happened since I was a freshman in high school - 5 years ago. All this time, helping my friends and their relationships, giving advice to those who reached out for it - it's finally time to listen to myself. It's time to take my own advice. But why is it difficult to apply to my own situation? I guess, it's easier said than done and I'm willing to try.

I told you how I felt and now I'm going to leave it at that. Nothing changes. We both agreed. I just hope you don't expect me to do anything because I won't.. even if you told me. Eventually, we'll see. If it dies down, so be it. I'm not about to fight to keep it the way it is. Constant pace is the way I roll. There's no need to rush progress.

On another note, I feel like I have no feelings. That statement alone contradicts everything I just said in the previous paragraph. I'm a confusing human who knows what she wants, has the desire and drive to get there but accepts reality for what it really is and has the mentality of it is what it is. Don't like it? Change it. Can't stand to see it? Don't look. Life's a bitch. Deal with it. It happens to everyone. Live for yourself.

I seem bitter, but I'm not. I'm actually a genuinely happy person. [:

Hearts

2009-01-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

These past two days, I've realized that I have a hard heart. One that consist of mulitple amounts of tough layering. It isn't that I don't care, but I think I've grown accustomed to the idea that life moves on and time waits for no one. So why waste a good and important thing on something that apparently wasn't meant to be yours. Over the years, I've learned to let go and let God. I've been through so many situations where I would work my ass off for something, to get something, to earn something only to come up short and not receive it. I mean, yeah shit sucks but sometimes you just gotta face the facts that God has something better planned, something even better in store for you. All you have to do is wait. And even with that, you can't be expecting to see it, especially not right away. It's in our human nature to be blind. Accept it. Stop trying to look for signs of goodness. Stop trying to rush progress. Stop trying to find short cuts. It's gonna get you no where. Stop trying to look for happiness. Stop trying to look for happiness through other people. It all starts within. You have full control of your emotions and how you handle them. Being happy is possible.

Today was another great day. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little off due to some stuff, but it's okay. I'm happy and things happen for a reason. Timing just wasn't right. But I got to spend another sweet day with Karl and some other friends. Experienced one of thee best and CUTEST teachers ever! not to mention, one with a sense of humor. WSUP LANDSCAPE DESIGN. haha! I love it. Sat next to Devon? Packed class; but totally worth hiking that fcking mountain. Might as well, hit up that Health Center and get me some 10 condoms for a dollar type shit. HA. ohh no. Anyway, bonded with Karl some more, saw the Encinitas Boys and SAM! woo! Missed that bitch, freal. Practice was good too; ended by 12. [: I need to work harder. I need to put as much effort as I was in the beginning. I feel like I'm slacking off; and they could see it. Time to get back into it... before its too late. I will. It's a priority not to mention a responsibility I put on myself. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be better - no matter what anyone else says.

Goodnight world. Another day starts when I wake up. We'll see how this one goes. [:

Sweater weather and scarf season

2009-01-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

in my opinion, is thee best way to start off the new year. Today was my first full and complete day of being back at school. And lemme tell you, it was amazing. Woke up to an empty room with the sun shining through the blinds, got ready for my first class, and left with the mentality that it was going to be a great, warm and eventful day. I got two out of the three. Too bad it was soo freaking COLD!!!!! Ugh. I would've ran back to my room and grab a sweater but I toughed it out like a champ. Haa... and I was running a little late considering I had no idea where my class was. hahah WHATEVER. Saw the first fresh face of the winter quarter - Devon! Yayy he made me happy. For a second though, today when I walked into the hall way of Bldng 9 and saw the huge crowd of people waiting and conversating outside the classrooms, I had a super quick flashback of my first day of high school. The environment of it all, I kinda just realized for the first time in awhile that I'm an underdog and not the big bad senior I was a couple months back. It's weird, intimidating but exciting nevertheless. Alright, so anyway, first class was chill. Teacher let us out about an hour or so early so I decided to check out the API. Saw a bunch of people and talked to Albert for awhile also. Met up with Devon in the library - the usual and then decided to go with Albert to audition for Choir. Saw EVERYONE there. My Ate, Maaaaark!, Karl's Ate, David.. ohman. I love seeing fresh faces. And I missed my Ate! Not even gonna lie. Her and my Kuya! Who I rarely see. ]; Hopefully that'll change this year and all three of us could hang out more. Yup, so I ended up auditioning for Choir and not making it. Straight up, I was kinda sad about it at first and bummed, but I saw the brighter side of things and figured it just wasn't meant for me; God either has something better planned for me, or He knows that I have a lot on my plate this year and the unnecessary stress of it all would do me no good. After that Karl and I chilled for the rest of the day. Double dated with my Ate and Mark? bahhahah Ohh those two are comedy. Good times today. Had some really good talks with Karl. [: Yaay! Gonna paint this town red. YEE, BITCH! ahaha After Chick fil-A, went over to the suites! WOOO FOR MARK! Took a butt-load of pictures that Karl has. Oh man, I can't wait for our adventures. For sure we're gonna handle this shit. [: Watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, got dropped off at the dorm, had visits from Chuck and James, then went to my stats class until 8. I'm happy.. this quarter will be nothing less than amazing... I can already feel it. And there's NO FAILING. It's simply not allowed.. not on my watch. I won't fail anything this quarter. I'm ready to work my ass off like there was no tomorrow and I'm ready to stick with my priorities.

P.S. I think I'm ready to admit it. Or is the timing not right? But if not now, then when? I think the more you wait to tell someone something, one, either the worse it's gonna get or two, you'll more than likely forget what needs to be said or you even might convince yourself that it isn't anything at all... and then maybe one day, it'll come up again and it'll be 10x worse.

I'm thinking too much.

The greatest love of all

2009-01-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

starts with being able to love yourself fully. Once you're able to genuinely love yourself there is no limit to the love you will naturally give off to those around you DESPITE what you may be going through. This blog, I want to dedicate to one of the greatest most influential person I know. Not only do we share the same last name, but we share some of the same qualities and amusement. I never spoke about this to anyone, not even you, my own cousin who I feel so close to. I'm not sure if you're aware of the type of influence you have on me. I'm not sure if you realize that I've looked up to you since day one. That I've wanted to be just like you when I grew up. That every single word you've ever said to me I've taken to heart and listened to attentively. That' you're dreams became my dreams. That you're outgoing, knowledgeable mind has become a quality of yours I've always dreamt of acquiring. The way you helped bridge and mend the seven year gap between families is something I will never forget. I saw you as someone I could go to when times were rough. The only reason I dreamt of LMU and saw it as anywhere near possible to achieve was because of you.

I know these past few years have been the toughest to overcome. Even when I didn't know exactly what was going on, I knew you were in trouble. You reached out and I could see that you were asking yourself, "why me?" I don't know why it happened but I knew that from the moment I knew the entire story that you would be able to get through it, no matter what. I had no doubts. I believed in you. I believe in you. I can't imagine a single bit how much may be on your plate at the moment, but I know for a fact, that whatever it may be you can totally get through it. Kuya, don't give up on yourself. I know no one knows exactly what you've been through, but stop shutting the family out, stop shutting me out. I know I'm young, but I'm a lot wiser than you may think. I know it hurts you, but it hurts us too. Tressa's just lived her 2nd year of life and I don't want you to miss out on it even more. I told you that I'm here for you and that I could help you. Let me. Call me selfish but it feels like you've given up on me too. This happened to you for a reason, learn from it Kuya. Learn from it and move on towards forgiving yourself cause that's what I'm sensing... that you've asked yourself 'why me' for so long, you've put the blame on others, and now you've done the worse possible thing you could do; you've put the blame on yourself. Listen to me Kuya, it's NOT your fault! It's not your fucking fault. It happened for a reason. God wouldn't have put you through all this shit if he didn't think you could handle it. And honestly, right now.. you're NOT handling it. You're letting it eat you up and destroy what you have left. Don't let it. Don't let this situation get the better of you. You are stronger than this. You're a lot stronger than you may know right now. Instead of letting the situation walk all over you, embrace it. As hard as it is for you, you're strong Kuya. I believe in you still. There's only so much I can say but if you ever read this, I hope you understand you're ability to overcome this. Embrace it. Embrace what you have, embrace what you've learned and never let any of that go. There are too many people that hate to see you like this. And I speak for the entire family when I say that each and every one of us is here for you and loves you unconditionally. Don't be afraid to let us in. Don't think that you're a burden to our lives. Don't think that we aren't willing to help you. You haven't hit rock bottom yet, believe it or not. I've got you. And I'm not letting go. I love you Kuya Pat. More and more every day. And never think that there's a day when you aren't in my prayers. Keep your head up and stay strong.

Inspired

2009-01-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

by the words and mind of Danielle Jasmine. Her note on Facebook really, believe it or not, changed my life. It opened my eyes and educated my soul and furthermore introduced new and different ideas to my views about people and about you.

"To those who are scared of "too much love", have enough self-confidence to know that even if you doubt it, someone out there sees enough goodness in you to believe you deserve that much goodness to happen to you. Do not push this away just because you feel you are not worthy. If someone offers you love, do not question it, do not make fun of it. Appreciate it. Someone thinks you are worth being loved."

"Oh & here, let me tell you something society refuses to admit. You are allowed to doubt. Yeah, I said it & I fully believe it. Doubting allows you to come up with the right answer. You are supposed to face some kind of crossroad before you chose which direction you want to go through. Doubt all you want, but keep going when you doubt. Keep loving, keep showing it. The VERY moment you stop is when you lose it all."

"Also, when in love, flaws are not disgusting. Flaws become intriguing and unique. You do not make fun of flaws or get grossed out, you start to question how and why and appreciate how different it is from everyone else. You will feel like you have got something special in your hands & you will appreciate those flaws. Flaws become beauty because it is rare. Flaws become beauty just because of the mere fact that it is on you, the person that is being loved. Love is more than a walk on the beach and candle lit dinners. Love is a fucking weirdass, psychotic, powerful, hard, timely, desirable, tempting feeling. This is why society depicts people in love as idiots. Love breaks down all barriers and all socially accepted bullshit rules of what is "okay to do" and what is "not okay.""

Can I tell you the truth? I didn't tell you everything. That feeling, the vibe you got from me yesterday I hoped you never would have felt. At least, I hoped and prayed you wouldn't catch on. But you did. Last night, the last hour of 2008 I was completely out of it. A part of it, I knew exactly where it was coming from, the other I had no clue. Up until after the countdown I honestly did not know where you stood in my life. Whether you were just another boy I would talk to and get to know then later fall out of feelings towards or a boy who would be able to expose me to a different side of people and possibly a different side of myself, one that would show me hope and give me a reason to not fear heartache and pain and all that that came with being in a relationship and letting my guard down. Honestly, I still don't know exactly. But what I can tell you is that I see which road I want to take. The last day of two thousand eight, I contemplated on the direction you and I were going. I struggled back and forth with the idea of us. Not even the idea of you and I being together but you and I just talking and me being unguarded and letting you in. I fought with myself to find any kind of sign that would just convince me you weren't worth it, any minuscule flaw that would give me a reason to leave. But I just couldn't. I can't. The way you make me feel is a feeling that I haven't felt in years. It's a feeling I tried so hard to ignore, a feeling I wouldn't allow myself to experience with anyone. You said to trust you and so I've let my guard down. I've allowed you to see the true me, the real me. I've allowed myself to let go. You're teaching me how to experience new things. You're teaching me how to be me and not be afraid of what other people may think. You've given me something to look forward to. You've given me a reason to hope. You've given me a reason to believe. Who knows where you and I are going. Quite frankly, that's the last thing on my mind. The most important thing you've taught me so far is to live, to live in the present and not worry about the future or resort back to the past. Whether we take it to the next step or not, no matter what you've made your mark in my life and I can't thank you enough. You're fun, different and definitely an asshole. And that's exactly what makes this experience with you so... exciting. You're a chance I want to take and a distraction I want to keep. [:

Happy New Year! Helllllllo 2009 ! We'll see how good I can handle.

Out in the town

2008-12-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

Today was family day. Woke up this morning for mass at 10:30 at St. Chris. Twas beneficial. I actually was able to pay attention throughout the entire service with of course it's usual ADD kicking in. As bad as that may sound... I really got a lot from it... and I knew today would be a good day. The weather outside was weather. [: I'm just kidding. After mass we headed for some good ol dim sum at Diamond Plaza. Got there around 1230 and they said the wait would be 30 minutes... from 2. Uh, yeah not down. So we headed over to another Chinese Restaurant in San Dimas. Got seated right away and enjoyed the beauty of food. [: And as usual, I suffered once again from food coma and fell asleep in the car on our way to The Observatory.

with God anything is possible
I forgot how beautiful L.A. was
can you tell my mom is scared of heights?but we're not... kindof. haah

theres no limit to the horizon
WOLLYHOOD.
Los Angeles
Ate
California sunset

Yay for camera phones!
After watching the first couple minutes of the sunset, we invited ourselves to La Palma for my Aunt's birthday and had dinner there. My cousin had Season Three of HIMYM!!! Annd I'm borrowing it. [: Yay for being caught up on seasons! I win. The end. [:

My ultimate happiness

2008-12-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

is food. Hahah I'm just kidding.

But Karl's right... this Christmas was different. It was more of realizing life and reality and each other's presence rather than the usual curiosity of 'what did i get for Christmas'. Honestly, after seeing the lack of a family bond at Thanksgiving, I didn't see a difference with the Christmas season so I expected the worse and hoped for nothing more. Although it seems as if the family is becoming smaller in size, the strong connection with those of us left never really seemed any stronger than these past two days. I arrived at the homes of my cousins and never really felt that much love before. That feeling of being loved unconditionally made me want more. And more so, made me realize that no matter what the family may be going through, I know I can always count on them to not only be there for me but to make me happy in ways never thought possible.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and a very safe and fun one too! Yayy for getting older and almost getting cut off from presents. ]; hahaha ohh, the sweet life of aging.

Here's some highlights. [:

There's nothing stronger
The smarter version of me [:
& my partner for Cranium
Came in third place; red marker [:
Dad's side;
[[[:
salmon spinach eggrolls with home-made Spinach & Artichoke dip
the cause of my maajor food coma .
...and the food coma begins
first victim - mom;
drunk and past out by 2:51 after 4 glasses of wine
-_-
victims 2, 3 and 4
jj, me & Auntie - out by 4
victim five - Ate
victim six - Kuya Anthony / picture not available
my girls

The Holiday

2008-12-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

is a great movie. It really is. I totally forgot how good it is. You should watch it. And if you don't want to watch it alone, I can always watch it with you! [: I think I'm going to watch it again tonight, just like last night. Yay for me. [: hahah Well, it's that Christmas Season once again.. that season when relationships start to happen, those sparks start to fly. So there's approximately 12 to 13 people in our group of friends back in high school. And lately, all the boys in our group are in relationships. Some old, some new, some just starting. It's mad cute. It's time our boys are happy with their girls. And what makes it even better..! is the fact that just because they have girlfriends now doesn't affect them hanging out with the rest of us. It's hard to find couples like that... and it's an amazing feeling once you do. Let's see, there's Kyle and Trish - maaaaad cute right there. Ryan and Ronylyn - steezin it up all day every day. Shaun and Avic - who would've thought... I witnessed an 'iloveyou' from him to her. Dustin and Kristen - no words can describe how strong those two are. And as for the rest of us... ohhboy. I'm so glad we have each other! Shiiit. We can always work that camera. That's for damn sure. Who says you need a significant other to take cutesy pictures?! Huh, Genie!? AHAH Mann.. I remember this time last year. That experience in itself was amazing, it shaped who I am today. I can't believe it's been a year since I found out about you. And it's not like I'm at all mad or upset or still hurting, I'm none of those. I'm just super glad that we worked things out and you're crraazy happy with her. I'm happy for you two and I wish you guys the best. You, out of all people, deserve a smart pretty girl like her and I'm glad you found one. Stay honest and faithful - she deserves that much and more.

In a different light, I don't want to hurt you like I hurt the rest but I'm starting to get that gut feeling in my body when things start to go down. I was and I still am glad you're respecting my space and maybe this is just me thinking too little and acting too much but ... I really hope you and I are still on the same level as we were 3 days ago. Time changes but I hope we didn't. At least, not that much. I don't want you to just be another boy. I don't want you to be just another someone I talk to and end up hurting. Trust me, I don't do it intentionally. I guess, my last relationship kind of had a somewhat negative toll on me in time. It's been a year and my perspective on relationships hasn't been all that great, I must admit. I mean... I love it when I see new couples and potential relationships and whatnot but me personally in one... doesn't really flow too well in my mind. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't seem so picky. But it is what it is, right? Hopefully things work out. and no matter what does happen just know you mean a lot to me. [: kbye.

PICTURE TIME! [:

Annual Christmas Dinner
ladies
fellas
<3
Stefanee Taylor Blas; niece 3yrs. old
Tressa Vi Ureta Blas; niece 2yrs old;
cutest little boy rockin' creative recs and an iphone; 8yrs.old
so many little babies [:

Rainbows are lucky

2008-12-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

Updating this thing every day is kinda not happenin for me. Well, let's recap some of the eventful moments that's happened for the past week or so. From what I can remember, my first quarter of college ended... and ohhmy. College really is something. I passed all my remedial classes! B in English and C in Math. [: and then.... I failed my other class. -_-" uh. yeeeahh. haha great. Well, next quarter I'm taking 16 units. fml. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. I just gotta put a major limit to my ADD. I had my last final on the 12th but stayed at my dorm until the 18th because of hell week. My first ever performance was on Thursday at Arcadia High School's sold out Charity Show. Hell week and the performance were absolutely amazing. I was finally able to feel that rush, that excitement, those nervous butterflies... and I'm soo glad that some of the closest people I have in my life were able to come and watch. I truly am lucky.

I came home Thursday night expecting attitude from my Mom but received none. Her and I hung out all day Friday and the first thing she said to me in the car was, "I'm glad you came home. I thought you weren't going to." [[[[[[[[[: Seriously. That's a big step for her. It caught me off guard and after that my heart couldn't stop smiling. She's never said anything like that to me before and it just makes me soo happy. Things could start looking up for 2009. I hope. Went shopping for 7 hours straight. Oh! And I got to see some of the Junior babies at the mall! Junior babies are now big bad seniors. They're so cute and they really made me miss Amat... surprisingly. hahah Went home and waited to get picked up by Genie, Kathryn and Lion. Surprised Lissette at her house for her 19th birthday! Yay! I hope she was happy. Saw Krystina there too and a couple other people. Bf took me home later that night. Good conversations to end the night are always healthy. I was supposed to wake up at 915 the next morning but my distraction didn't let me sleep until 5 or a little passed that. THANKS! asshole. [: [x

Tressa Vi's 2nd Birthday! I have never been surrounded by so many babies and toddlers in my life. They are just thee cutest! I love my family and I missed them soo much. Came home and got ready for our annual Amat dinner at Macaroni Grill by the Puente Hills Mall. Twas fun and well needed. I miss my Amat friends a lot.. even though it didn't seem like that in the beginning, I did. [:

Good conversation last night too [: Five hour conversations are alwaysss my favorite.!

RAINBOWS. are lucky. Today was a beautiful day, most definitely. Finally went to church after more than a month. I totally forgot it was Advent. -_- ahahha thats so bad, considering my 12 years of religious education. Ops! ahahhah Went to the mall and got a case for my phone then ate at ChowKing. Surprisingly, my luck kicked in quick and I spotted him. Ahahah shit was soo random. Who would've thought, right?! [[[: It was good and it made me really kinda happy acutally. It was weird though! I got some butterflies. =X HAAA. okay. enough. the end. [:

timeout.
How do I post pictures on this thing? Is there like a special way to do it? and to resize it also?

My dream

2008-12-11T09:37:00.001-08:00

was so sad last night. ]; It was my eighteenth birthday debut... at an actual hall this time. Family across the world flew in and it was all amazing. Then, when it came to making speeches and hearing speeches - all went downhill. I don't remember exactly what was said or a play-by-play of the dream but all I remember is listening to my mom's speech to me. In front of everyone, the first thing she says to start off her "loving and proud speech" would be: "Why do you act like this? Why do you hate me? and Why do you treat me this way?" I was amazed. My sister sitting right there next to me, amazed as well. My dad looking down not wanting to face what just happened. Ha... and there it is. My life at home. Her outfit was decent but not one of a Debutante's mother. She got called out but still continued with her speech about how not proud she was of me and about the problems that are between her and I. I loved it, I say... best birthday present. -_-" She went on and on and on... and then... I woke up. I remember that feeling though. That feeling of embarrassment, that feeling of not being good enough and that feeling of just not giving a fuck. I hate that feeling. I woke up so many times last night. One at 248, another at 4, another at 530, one at 607 and finally at 838. I don't know what's wrong with me. I really do miss my family though. Ate said that the only time they could go Christmas Shopping would be Saturday. Too bad I can't go. Mann, I don't know, this whole college thing. Come to think of it, it's amazing and whatnot, but lately I've been feeling so discouraged from it all. Everything in my life nowadays doesn't seem to hold up to it's highest potential anymore. It's actually kinda sad.

Anyway, on a happy note. He learned Mad on the piano! Ahahah ohhmy. Major points for that. [: Hm... Idkno. I'm actually giving this one a shot.. which is kinda weird. I love my single life and I'm not expecting anything more or less. But compared to the others, I'm actually allowing myself to be opened to the idea. Ew. I can't even talk about this. I'm too distracted. Hahha I'm just gonna keep all that to myself for now just to eliminate all the questions if nothing does happen.

For now... I can't say aloud that I'm happy. Not like I used to. Matter of fact, I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm content. yet excited and hurting at the same time. Oh well, I think I just need to surround myself with people that love me... like my family back at home or my Amat family. I miss both soo much. I think that's why I'm hurting and not really happy. Till next time I guess..

Nonstop

2008-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

busy. This is getting ridiculous. Although I love always having something to do every hour of the day, sometimes it just gets crazy and half the time I just lose myself. Friday was hella busy for me. I've never been that busy with school this entire quarter. Walking around school, attending class and 3 hours of make-up tutoring took the life out of me most definitely. I guess the whole... "skipping class" ordeal bit me in the ass cause I finally realized earlier in the week that Fall Quarter ends in less that 14 days and in order to pass English, I had to have completed 8 hours of tutoring. LAME. On a better note, I got my math quiz back! MINUS 3 bitches! Woo! [[: I'm suuper happy about that one. Oh and in between my busy schedule I'm glad I got to spend some time with Devon. I swear, seeing that nigga always makes me happy. Every Friday after English asking him where he's at but knowing every single time in the back of my head that he's in the same exact spot in the library like every Friday. I just hope and wonder sometimes that maybe... just maybe he'd be somewhere different. I was kinda surprised, too, that within the first 30 minutes of hanging out not once did he mention his stomach and how empty it is. hahah That kinda took away from our weekly Friday sessions. But it's okay cause after I was all done with everything, I met him at the Marketplace and we ordered Panda just before it was gonna close. [: Yay food. THEN. Devon's FAIL or I guess you can say, "HEROIC ATTEMPT" to save me from a bee. Yet, the only thing I see is my bowl of rice and my fork flying in the air and all over the people sitting next to us. HAAHAA Epic.. so epic. I loved it. He went on telling me about the wonderful birthday celebrations he had and his oh so delicious American Thanksgiving. At least one of us came up for Thanksgiving. -_-" Walked back to my dorm afterwards and knocked the fuck out. Saw Charlotte sleeping and was convinced that taking a nap was a must. From 4 to 630 - mm soo healthy. [: Took a shower cause Krystina and Genie were finally visiting me at my dorm! YAAAAAAAAAAY! It's a great feeling waking up to old friend's phone calls saying they're going to visit [: They finally arrived and didn't get lost - thanks to my awesome sense of direction. haha [: Ate at that one pizza place that Karissa works in at the Village. It was good seeing her after so long. How long has it been? 4 or 5 years? Holy crap maan! loll okay. So after dinner we decided to take Charlotte to Cue. bahahah! So cute. Overwhelming but always fun. Came back home and tried to do something productive but of course... failed at it.

SATURDAY. [:
Wsup Prelude SoCal ! Oh mann I was soo excited. It's all so REAL in person. Gigz picked me up and then met up with Nick, Texas and Jenise at Jenise's house. Carpooled and headed over to Guppy's. MM guppy's. Shaved ice and extra spicy popcorn chicken. Boo for cramps and ulcers.!! GAH. Total buzz kill for a good hour or so. ]; Anyway, Prelude was amazing! Saw the competition and now it just boosted up every part of my body and mind to work so much harder! Shits tough out there - I finally understand. After Prelude we couldn't go to Sam's anymore cause it was hella far and late. Sorry babygirl ]; I hope you had a great time though! Instead went over to Rooted and chilled there. Got a ride back from Alex and knocked out right after. [:

TODAY.
Revise English paper, study for my math final on Wednesday and go to practice tonight. [: Come to think of it, I actually miss my family. I haven't spoken to them in so long, at least that's what it feels like. I'll maybe update later cause I'm sure I'll be procrastinating during my paper. We'll see. The end. [:

p.s. After playing around with Byron's camera, I can't wait to get mine! gahh!!

IN

2008-12-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

HA! I already failed. I didn't blog yesterday. HAHAH ohman. Okay so anyway, I studied so much Monday night into the wee hours of Tuesday's Morning for an exam that I failed straight off the bat. This is retarded. I thought yesterday was going to be a great day when it came to my classes- I even got out early for my English class and the homework due date got changed to Friday instead of yesterday. Then came 1130 when I had to walk to class to take my Excel exam. Holy crap maaan! That shit was HARD. [that's what she said?] HA. NO. but really though. Straight from there I had to walk over to my Math class at 1 and take a quiz I thought I was going to fail. Luckily, I really feel like I passed. [: Yay for me! haha. Oh! Then Genie and I played a little game of phone tag for awhile right before I walked in for my class.. those are always fun [: Greg and I walked to the API after class, got to see my Ate and Justin and then Mark and Karl swung by with Panda cause Jay was working soo Greg and I decided to go and hit that up. mmm inexpensive Panda: my favoritee [: haha. Elfster was brought up in a conversation between Mark and I and it somehow evolved into asking RJ how if he were a banana how would he want to be pealed? It had to be the funniest conversation that day. I like it in threes with one stroke down, Mark likes it in twos, RJ likes it in threes with one stroke up and Gerard likes it slowly also in threes. Intense? I think so. After that I went with Mark and Gerard to the DC House and watched Wall-E for the first time! Gahh! It was a great movie. Karl showed up during the movie and then ended up finishing it with me watching as I took pictures with my enV2 of the actual movie [: Ha whatever! I got good pictures, pictures that are now my wallpaper. :D ahah yeeah. Karl left and then more people started coming over. Hung out for awhile and then Mark took me back to my dorm. An hour later, went out and had a really fun and instense catch-up/update session with my friend who would like to remain Anonymous. Im just kidding. But uhm then... waited outside Alamitos for Sam to open up the door but never did cause she was too lazy. So instead we had a 15 minute conversation over the phone. Twas a fun night indeed. Now that I look at it, yesterday was filled with a great positive vibe that I want more of. Hopefully today goes well, it's still early and I have a lot of errands to run around campus and an intense practice tonight, I think. -_- great. I'm a bit afraid but not at the same time. Tomorrow's Sam's birthday! Babygirl is getting ooold! But I love her nonetheless. She is definitely my life entertainment. The end.

p.s. I'm finally IN. [[[[[x ... took my Mom 3 years but she's finally starting to get it.

Karl

2008-12-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

So Karl's right. I don't blog often. Maybe December will be different; or maybe! 2009 will be different. o0o0o who knows! Hahah. I think I should make this a daily thing though... blogging and writing is healthy... right? It's better than getting distracted by Facebook and YouTube and whatnot. So yeahh... I'm gonna try this.

Alright, so last night wasn't that great. Well, besides the fact that I forced and pushed myself to finish the bigger part of my English assignment and the fact that Alex brought me a pretzel and cheese from work... the people living upstairs were being SO LOUD. And I absolutely looove waking up at 3:58 in the morning to them talking and laughing outside or them blasting music and drunk upstairs. It's my favorite! -_-" ugh. So after not being able to go back to sleep right away, I woke up at 7:45 right when Charlotte was going to class and couldn't go back anymore. My original goal was to wake up at 8 finish my English assignment then do practice exams for my Excel Exam tomorrow. But its its currently 3:30 in the afternoon and I haven't done ANYTHING! This is so bad. My A.D.D. is acting up soo much!! Oh, and I've gotten into this habit of making videos on Facebook. Who knew... it's pretty addicting! And I'm not going to practice tonight cause it's Tita Elvie's last night here before she heads back to the Philippines tomorrow morning. So we're having like a dinner thing for her. Kinda sad how I dont really know her yet she's leaving and it's probably the last time I see her. mmm hopefully tonight goes well though. Okay, I'm done. [:

Thanks Karl ! Bye Karl !

Update

2008-11-30T10:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged for so long. I always start to but end up either getting a writer's block or getting distracted and never finishing. A lot has happened since my last blog. One major thing is that I auditioned for Barkada Modern and made it! And now these people have pretty much been the center of my life since. At the first social I didn't really understand when the returners were talking about how you tend to miss everyone so much after not seeing them for a couple days until now. I spend every single day with at least one of them. And if I don't actually see them, there's some sort of communication involved either through facebook, text, aim, shoutbox on barkadamodern.com or through other people. So far, I can proudly say that BMod has completed a piece of me that I never knew was missing. It's helping me to become a better dancer, a better friend and a better person. Even though it gets hella stressful and tiring coming home at 4 or 5 in the morning and still having to do homework every bit of it is totally worth it. Our first performance will be at the Arcadia High School Charity Show! I CANNOT wait ! I'm soo excited! Haha okay, what else has happened.. Oh I remember.. So my cousin Aileen had her debut! And she's finally legal and I'm soo proud of her. The Debut was super fun. Buffet dinner was BOMB. The first thing I saw was the bowl of bacon. [[[: bahaha Yeah. BACON... it's freaking amazing. Waltz was fun, messed up diirty but whatever! ahaah its so embarrassing. Anyway, there was also Kristen's Debut where I cried as if it were my own. I swear, that girl deserves every single part of that day and so much more. She's definitely one REAL girl and I still consider her one of my best friends. And then there's Kathryn's Hike!... at Dustin's house. That weekend was fun - thanks Genie for taking me in and letting me sleep over! [:

So my ADD kicked in and I was thinking about it... and all my Christmas money is going to my new camera. Either the new Nikon or the new Canon.. whichever really. I just want a camera. Okay. That's it.

Single

2008-10-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

So... it hit me. I am definitely holding onto nothing.

Lately, I've noticed that I subconsciously push people away once I get that vibe that things are becoming somewhat serious. I'm happy. But I hate how I do that, I hate how I feel like nothing is wrong with it, that I'm not hurting anyone. I hate how I'm blind to take my own advice. It's hard though. "Its just for the best" I guess. If it's going to be, then it will. Trying to refocus my attention shouldn't be too hard. Staying happy and not just content shouldn't take too much effort. I guess it's just one of those times where missing what used to be seems so much easier than accepting what isn't. Yet, in the end... it's so much more painful. You remind me that you're there for me and that you'll always be but honestly it doesn't seem that way. I can't go to you like I used to, it just doesn't feel the same way. It feels like I'm holding you back from her and the last thing I want to do is be in the middle or feel that way. I think one of the main reasons why I get sad sometimes is because no one knows me the way you do. And the one person does, isn't completely there. Like... there's this hesitation that gets in the way between you and I 'cause I feel that whatever I may be dealing with at the time doesn't even compare to what you might be going through whatever that is. Maybe I'm just trippin about this entire thing. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe this isn't even the new you. I don't know. BLAH. It's okay. I'll be okay without you. You and I are so much stronger now the way we are than we've ever been since. And that's a good thing.

There's one more thing I need to get off my chest. You know that saying, "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" I think, goes towards our situation... somewhat. I guess you can see what I did in two different lights. One being that I loved you, but it was hurting me too much and I was too weak to be able to deal with you at your worst and now... I made what I want into what I need once again by confessing to you what's been on my mind for so long. And two being that I loved you that much to let you go. That - by letting you go taught you how to fend for yourself so that you can grow strong enough to pick yourself up on your own. Selfish? Possibly. But regardless of any of the outcomes and consequences that came along with the decision to leave, I will always miss you and love you with every bit of my heart. Forever21. 416.

Random thoughts of direction. pt 2

2008-10-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

I'm hurting. I don't know what to do. I miss you. Holding onto nothing. I know you love her. Distractions. Falling back. Try to keep busy. Concentrate on school. Focus your attention on something else. Dance it off. Stress reliever. No one's here. No one knows. Everyone's back home. I miss my family. Fronting. Get on it. Forget it. Look straight. "The fear of pain is worse than the pain itself." Give it your all. No regrets. No "what ifs..." Paint the town red. Stand your own ground. Stand strong. Pray.

Hearts aren't toys

2008-09-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Something that I've learned over the last few years of my life is that one of the biggest mistakes some people unknowingly make is that hearts aren't toys and they should most definitely not be played with. On the upside of that, that same situation could be seen as one of the most fundamental tools of growing up. It lays down a concrete foundation. Which furthermore justifies the statement that heartache, pain and everything else we see as negative and bad are actually healthy. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." I think that statement alone serves itself. Hearts should not be seen as toys, but as they are, when played with gives the individual or individuals the opportunity to rise up and go beyond that. After reading, The Shack by William Young, I've also found it completely true that I... am afraid of emotions. I take that a person's ignorance isn't about protecting one another or ourselves, but that it's simply... the fear of emotions, the fear of what it'll do to us, the fear that it'll ruin what we've already built up, the fear of yet another heartache, the fear of pain. As I willingly admit to that simple truth, I can't help but be super cautious of everything that I do and watch myself with everyone that I'm around.

Something from a book

2008-08-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

So just a few moments ago, I asked my mom if I could sleep over my cousin, Aileen's house because for one thing, it's her little sister's birthday today, Arleen and there's still debut practice tomorrow at like 330, so it makes sense for me to ask, doesn't i? Just to save some gas instead of driving to Cerritos and then back the next day... especially with my beast of a car named, Dwayne. Her response, an automatic "No. Your Tita Nimfa [Aileen & Arleen's mom] doesn't want you to sleep over there. No." Uh. okay, what the fuck am I supposed to say to that? What the fuck am I supposed to think about that? I stayed there in front of her for a little longer forcing myself to move but not. I went to my room and decided to blog this. What is that though?! Seriously?! I'm thinking about my track record for the past 2 years or so and I can't think of anything I've done wrong for my Tita to not want me to sleep over. I can't think of anything she could disagree with for that matter. I haven't even hung out with my cousins in what.... 3 years?! I see them, lets say 4 to 5 times a year plus or minus some. I don't see any reason for her not to want me to sleep over. So now I'm trying to put the pieces together. My mom hasn't seen her mom who lives with Aileen and Arleen for a really long time now. Why? I have no clue. Last time was what? Christmas or New Years? Maybe March for her birthday. And if you really think about it, why would my mom respond to me like that. A straight up, "no your tita nimfa doesn't want you to sleep over there." I didn't even ask why I couldn't sleep over there. A simple "No" would've been fine. Okay, and I know for damn sure that my mom and Tita Nimfa don't talk. They hated each other once before taking the family to be in one of the many family feuds/separations in my childhood years. Is that happening again? Is my mom hating on her own side again? Does my mom have something against them that I don't know about? Something against her mom? Something she might disagree with? Something? Another one of her issues that she doesn't want to take responsibility for so she points fingers and make it seem like I did something wrong just because I probably "won't know any better". This is stupid and it totally killed my mood. I wish my sister were here or someone I could go and talk to about it. But of course... no one is. I swear, this is freaking retarded. Cause now I feel like there's more pressure on me. and now I'm stuck trying to think of a reason why Tita Nimfa wouldn't want me to sleep over, it's not like I force her two kids to do shit. So am I a bad influence? No one knows what I do. No one knows what I did. So what the hell? What the hell did I do wrong this time?

As close as my family is and as much as I may love them - shits fucking retarded and everyone needs to grow the fuck up because this whole "holding grudges bullshit" is gonna end with them, the older generation. And I'm getting pretty damn sick and tired of them thinking nothing except "what goes on with the adults shouldn't affect you and the cousins." Honestly? Every part of that sentence proves how ignorant each one of them can be. And THAT is an embarrassment.

My want list

2008-08-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a list of things they want and every day that list alters either growing larger or smaller switching items rearranging them by their own personal desires. I have a list. And it ranges from Polly Pockets to Yachts and everything in between. However, although my desires for polly pockets and yachts remains, I know that it won't always be the same. My list changes. It grows, it shrinks, it rearranges. I'm starting a new chapter in my life - college. And I'm not even gonna lie, I'm so scared. That transition from being spoon-fed in high school to having to chose your own path in college is scaring every part of my body. It's like, all of a sudden a majority of things on my list means absolutely nothing at this point. I thought about it, and the things on my list won't prepare me for whats to come. So I've rearranged my priorities and switched some things around. And now... I've come up with a new list - My Need List. I've figured out that there were some things on my want list that are more important and should be considered more valuable. My Need List. It even sounds more important. I think I got a little carried away with my want list and now I found my own way to get what I need rather than wait for someone to give me what I want or wait for my wallet to go empty. I'm slowly learning to fend for myself and to rely only on myself. I'm slowly learning how to be an independent person and to be my own push. I'm slowly learning how to live and how to live for me alone. I've found that relying on people to be there for me isn't going to help me grow up. Taking matters into my own hands, being responsible and taking responsibility for my own actions, standing up for what I believe in whether alone or with company and staying strong for my own being needs my full and complete attention. Distractions are a given but I can't lose focus on my goal. Lately, my ideas have changed [a little] about temporary happiness. I guess you can argue that temporary happiness is still happiness. The only problem with that, in my opinion, is that it's only temporary, it's only going to last for so long.... and then what? Go back to being in the same state of mind as you were in before that temporary happiness kicked in? even with the possibility of being worse than when you actually started for those who aren't able to be strong enough to deal with the consequences. Another thing that I find so disturbing about the idea of temporary happiness is that at times, you don't even know if it's temporary or not until it's actually gone, right?! There are exemptions, I mean there are situations where you know that it going to be temporary. Take for example, the idea of drugs and addictions. They give you that temporary getaway that you feel that you need and can get through substances like those. Addictions, focusing your attention and convincing yourself that a simple stick of tobacco plus some eases your mind and helps you calm down. Using drugs, cigarettes and other addictions as a getaway from reality. Using them with the mindset that it "eases your pain" or "calms you down" or "takes your mind off of things", things you already convinced yourself you couldn't handle. Not because you are incapable, but because you ALLOW yourself to be weak about the situation instead of facing it, dealing with it and taking responsibility for your own actions. Or for others, "just something to do" or the whole idea of "it's so hard to stop." Not denying that it is, but what in life is easy. Nothing if you really think about it. Everything in life is still doable. I'm not trying to bash on those who smoke, do drugs or have any other addictions believe I'm not. I mean, out of all people... trust me that's not what I'm trying to do. All I'm saying is that you can make that switch if you really focused yourself on it. You can make that: "I should stop, I want to stop" idea and move is over to the other list and make it "I need to stop." That's what I like about this need list, every bullet point becomes a main priority and another main goal.

"Live..."

2008-08-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Live life to the fullest"
"Live each day as if it were your last."

I've come around these quotes so many times especially during high school and even more now that I'm entering my first year of college. Today, I really thought about these two specific quotes and I have so many unanswered questions. How do you live life to it's fullest potential? I guess you can say that the answer varies from person to person. In my opinion, living each day as if it were your last is pretty time consuming, don't you think? There have been times already that I've thought out how I would want to live my last day... and to be really honest I'm not sure if I could or would want to live that kind of a day every day. So I'm trying to think realistically, but I can't get over the saying. How do you live life to the fullest? What's "the fullest"? How do you live each day as if it were your last? Every day is different, you can't control what happens. If you really think about it, our lives are already planned out. Like I mentioned in my last blog... the canvas is already sketched out. So now... how do you know what part of the picture to color in? and what color do you use? After taking a few minutes to contemplate on the many questions that invade my mind I can't help but finalize my own idea of living life to its fullest and living each day as if it were my last. This summer, I've been able to rekindle old friendships, I've been blessed to have made new ones and truthfully, since the beginning of the year in January I've been more than able to forgive myself and from there forgive others & ask for forgiveness as well. I know I'm not finished making mistakes, learning lessons and experiencing the unknown, but simply being able to patch up what I've helped mess up I think is an opportunity of a life time. Those around me know, if I haven't told them already that they, [that you reading whoever you may be] have helped to make me a better person, a happier person. And I think that that's exactly it - to live life to it's fullest and to live each day as if it were your last is to be blessed with the gift to wake up every morning with a mindset that we begin every day, every journey differently and that no day is ever the same, and to finally realize and understand that we, alone choose to be happy and we are the only ones that have the ability to do just that; Without forgetting to acknowledge those who have helped paved the way for that new day.

That's how I want to live my life to the fullest.

"Ugly" & my funeral song

2008-08-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

Ugly.

One of the strongest words right next to the words hate and disappointed... at least, in my vocabulary. Life is beautiful, people are beautiful, paintings are beautiful. But it bothers me that all that, although created with the best intentions can, in an instant become so tainted. Everyone was created beautiful, yet there are some who lack the ability to see that beauty and then there are those who decide to paint over their own masterpieces with colors that destroy the entirety of the picture but also manage to somehow make that beautiful again... only if they wish to. I mean think about it: on a canvas, the picture is already sketched out... all we have to do is stay inside the lines, paint and color it in. But as only humans, it's a given that we would color outside the lines at times. In the end, the picture will still come out to be what it's always meant to be - a work of art. I guess you can say, that at this exact moment I lost track of just that. I lost sight that whatever is happening, no matter what my opinion may be, the outcome will still and always remain a work of art. I guess it's just... I can't imagine what had happened. Look at yourself. What happened to you? You've changed so much... over such a small amount of time. You saw it as your getaway, something to relieve the pain, something to distract your thoughts, your own reality. But in truth, it was only something temporary. That feeling it gives you... only lasts for a couple of hours... and then what? Back to reality? back to the "real world"? And then when you realized that you're back in that exact zone you tried getting away from, you couldn't handle it, you didn't know how to deal with it, so you went straight back to that temporary feeling you seem to enjoy so much. "Disappointed" doesn't affect you anymore, "hate" or hatred doesn't affect you anymore. So what about "Ugly." Anything? Any affects? Any feelings? I bet no one's said that to you before... that you look ugly. You're addicted and you can't stop. You've tried. I'm not saying that it's impossible and that's not what I'm implying either. Don't stop for the people that love you, stop for yourself. It's your own canvas, it's your own masterpiece. It isn't too late. Will-power -- you have that. Strength -- use it. Love -- share it. Intelligence -- spread it.

My funeral --
I want it to be a happy memory, one that people remember happy thoughts at. I want to be a reunion for all those who lost touch. I want it be a place where instead of all that crying, people are there trying to imitate my many laughs. I want it to be a place where school memories and happy moments are shared. I want it to be a place where people wear white rather than black - DESPITE the "tradition" or the "sign of the respect." Wear white - the color of purity, of life. A life not like the one on earth, a life of no worries and no sadness. The beginning of a new chapter, a new volume. I want it to be a place where the the background music is Michael Jackson's - You Are Not Alone followed by a playlist of songs people remember me singing. I want it to be a place where family, friends and relationships get closer not farther apart. Not so much a place where people talk about what I'm known for or what I've done, what I've achieved, what I wished to achieve. I know I'm saying that I want my funeral to be this and that. But truthfully, at this point in my life all I really want is for my parents and Nyl to be able to stay in a room together and not want to kill one another. Hopefully by then both my parents will realize that He kept me alive for 3 years longer, that despite the hurt, he made me who I became - someone happy. And hopefully by then they'd understand and come to some kind of appreciation of him - that he was one of the people who influenced me to become a better person, a stronger one. That my relationship with him was genuine and sincere & it only taught me values in life that I never really understood. Hopefully by then, Nyl would realize that my parents were only looking out for the best of me. That they weren't just my parents and people who went in between you and I, but the two people who made fighting for what we had one of the best adventures of my life. They were also my inspirations to move on; their need and push for me to strive for my best was only another push forward for me to not only be inspired but to inspire as well. I want their relationship to be without blame, without shame, without grudges, without hatred. If not for each other... for me, for my sake. That's all I've been wanting - all these years; see the beauty of each other through my eyes.

One day...

Beyond the yellow tape

2008-08-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

You know what bugs? The idea that society has managed to manipulate situations to make them seem immortal. We were put in this world to love, to love unconditionally, to enjoy the beauty of life and our surroundings, to engage ourselves with one another without limits, to live a life without worry and heartache. So our purpose was altered a bit, so what. Challenges are there to make us better, heartache is there to make us stronger. In the end, all things can be defeated.

People say that it's bad if I fall for you. It's been proven once before, I get it. But still. WHY? I don't get it. I'm beating myself up with this. How could we never be if were never to begin with? It's that thin thin line. It's that stupid line that I can't get over. I see it, I know it's there, but I crossed it nonetheless. It's like one of those scenes you see in movies where no one ever thinks of passing because of the stories they've heard.[Think of an island & a deserted road that no one goes through because their afraid.] You find yourself walking by a crowd of people drawn to scene only because a few children curiously made their way down the road and never came back and in front of them is that yellow caution tape surrounding the scene. You get curious so you make your way through the crowd to the front of the line, stopped by the yellow tape. You look and all you see is a plain sight and an empty road. You wonder why no one was moving, so staying quiet you listen to those around you telling their own story of what they claim to know and their own reason for the closed off area. There's no other sign, no sign of danger, no sign of slippery floors, no sign of dips or sharp turns, no police officer to stop you from going in. Your mind has mixed emotions, should I be sad? should I be worried that someone I know might be involved? should I hope that no one was hurt? You stand there, waist and hands touching the caution tape, thinking to yourself, 'look at how many people are here, how many people have been standing here talking with one another, telling their own story of what happened but not really knowing. look at these people just watching and waiting for someone to tell them what really went down instead of taking matters into their own hands and making sure the kids are safe.' Then you think to yourself, 'watching and waiting won't give me the answers I'm looking for.' So you take that brave step, that step that no one else around you dared to do - you lift up that yellow caution tape and make your way down the road aimlessly. The crowd falls silent, watching to see if any of their stories match up to what might actually happen. You make your way through not knowing where to go and slowly that feeling of others around you disappears. Walking down the road fearlessly, you stop in awe. There are no words you can possibly think of saying. The scene is indescribable. You think to yourself, 'no wonder no one ever wants to go back, it's beautiful.' Time passes and once you get settled in, you find yourself wondering about those other 70 people - 'are they still standing on the other side of that yellow tape? that same yellow tape that doesn't restrict you from passing through but only gives you a perfect reason to just be careful.' All of a sudden it all comes together. Caution tape - because you truly don't know what you're in for. Caution because you might not even want to go back. But then you really see,you really see that that yellow tape was actually an invitation, an invitation to take a chance that not many people would think of taking. One that people are so used to standing on the opposite side because it's the "safe side", the "safe zone". So they're standing there, watching and waiting for any sign of a life to appear and you wish that they can enjoy the life you have right now with you instead of wasting time waiting for great opportunities to be given to you. Sometimes, you just gotta take that chance, that chance that you see no one would.

For me, I've stood in that crowd for too long. I've watched. I've waited. I've listened. I've made that mysterious road my lowkey mission. I've wondered of what could be. I've lived in the 'what ifs". But I'm done with waiting, I'm done with wishing and wondering. I'm done with watching. I'm done being like everyone else and just standing there making up their own stories. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad I'm done with all of that. I'm glad because that road led me to pure and genuine happiness, that road led me to you.

Intelligent conversation

2008-08-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

To restrain from becoming insane, it is necessary to indulge yourself in an intelligent conversation. So I'm sitting here, at the same table as my dad thinking about the last time I had a really good conversation about something important while my dad studies again for his exam in the coming months. I'm thinking to myself, "I need to get involved in an intelligent conversation before I go crazy with myself." But seriously, I think the biggest question there is who to go to. I start to evaluate the close friends that I still talk to and none seem too appealing. No offense intended. But you know... it's that desire, that urge to talk about something real, something important, something, anything... that drives me off the edge. Not necessarily a conversation about me or about situations that I find myself in, but a topic about life, about faith, about love, about the weaknesses and strengths of one another. Seriously, something... anything to remind me that beyond the human figure and human speech there actually is life. A life that cares only for the other lives out there. A life unselfish. A life of love. A conversation with someone who probably knows more about how I function than I do. A conversation with someone who can already tell what I may want to do and stop me from coming close without me saying a word. A conversation with someone who can distinguish my bullshit side from my real side. A conversation with someone who can automatically tell when I'm in fuckit mode and all they have to do is remind me of the possible consequences to get be back on track. A conversation with someone who knows my own worth better than I do and will never think twice about it. A conversation with someone who can listen and not just hear the words that I say. A conversation with someone who can look at my smile and see the tears behind it. A conversation with someone who can look in my eyes and see the broken heart. A conversation with someone who can brush off my attitude simply because they know "that's how I am." A conversation with someone who responds with an actual statement because they were listening. A conversation with someone who would pull me aside once they feel I'm starting to act different. A conversation with someone who can put themselves in my shoes and still be able to show me the opposite side of the coin. A conversation with someone that can take place in the arms of each other with unspoken words. A conversation with someone who I'm not afraid of telling everything to without worrying about the judgment to follow. A conversation with someone who's simple, "I love you, Kat" can change my mind about taking my life. A conversation I used to have with you, my best friend. The title remains while the meaning sometime change. But in the end, no matter how I feel, no matter how hurt I may be, no matter how many times I tell you that I accept everything you do... I'll still be the one always there right by your side whenever you need me. Fuck. ykno... you really don't know how much it hurts. How much I want to be that person you can come to knowing in my heart that by the end of the day YOU aren't able to be that person for me. I feel like our friendship's been tested. I've forgiven you for abandoning me before, but I honestly can't tell you that I'm up for being left behind again. We're friends whenever you say we are. Otherwise, there's a silencing gap that lasts for more than a month or so. It's been brought to each other's attention, yet... nothing changes. I want to call you, but I usually get no answer. Fuck ykno.. seriously, it's hard enough for me to respect all your decisions and go along with it all, but it's even harder listening to you say that you miss me, that you miss what used to be when 'what could be' never crosses your mind. It's stupid for me to simply just ask "what happened to the respect you had for me and our friendship." Because in all honesty, that just sounds too damn selfish for my liking at the moment. But seriously?! Where'd that go? At times, it seems as if I'm someone you can take out of a box whenever you damn please. It isn't fucking like that. It just isn't. And I'm pretty damn tired of feeling that way, especially with you, someone who I admire nonetheless. Real shit - it really fucking hurts me to call you my best friend and still not be able to go to you. "You're hurting yourself." Fine. I respect that and I can see where that may come true. I don't HAVE to call you my best friend. I don't HAVE to be there for you. I don't HAVE to be that toy. I honestly don't HAVE to even write any of this out. I don't HAVE to do any of it. But lemme tell you - the reason I do anyyyyything that I do when it comes to me and you - is because I love you.

Broaden your perspective with this - because you know that I'm not the only one you do this to. Having it come from me - you're hurting us and the scabs are becoming scars. Some have forgotten, others have left, but don't forget the very few who are still willing. Nothing changes, best friend. My respect for you will always remain the same. My love for you will never end. I just needed to let you know.

It isn't a front, it's a proven fact

2008-06-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

I never thought this stage of my life would come. I never thought I could listen to love songs and our songs and not reminisce of what used to be. I never thought that I could sleep peacefully at night without thinking of you. I never thought that I could be happy and not front. I never thought that all the problems would go away. I never thought that I could smile and not cry because you hurt me. I never thought that I wouldn't feel responsible for the things that you do. I never thought that I could stop caring until I actually did. I never thought that I would forget that you cheated on me and did me dirty all those times, until someone actually brought you up. I never thought that I could not look at your myspace or your screen name until it just didn't matter to me anymore. I never thought that I could talk about you in a normal conversation and not be angry.

It isn't a front, it's proven fact. You've introduced me to a different kind of happiness. One, that I don't think anyone else could have illustrated better than you. I kept silent thinking I was happy, but until I was sure of it and sure that I wouldn't fall back, I can honestly tell you that I am. I'm not just content anymore.

Nyl, I'm genuinely happy.

I hope you will be too, someday if you aren't already.

Random thoughts of direction.

2008-06-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

Not down to be fake. Not down to cause drama. Not down to get attached. Not down to be angry. Not down to be sad. Not down. Hold your ground. Don't let it phase you. Respect their opinion, not necessarily them. Don't let it affect you, it's not your business. It's not your life-style. Rid of all the negative. Rid of all the unnecessary. Rid of all the disrespect. Rid of everything that might bring you down. Respect it. Deal with it. Grow from it. Don't cover. Don't lie. Don't front. Be you. Hope others respect your decision. Hope others know the limit. Tolerance. Be better. Above the Influence. Be smart. Open your eyes, NOT your legs. Respect yourself. Other's will too. Don't know you well enough for me to like you.

"Happy 3 years and 2 months". (:
from me to you.

I like it because, not.

2008-06-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not gonna lie, things are going a little smoother than I had expected. We've got this connection, this type love that can't be broken. We've accepted the people that we've become and I can seriously only hope that this new friendship going on won't be built on lies, shady and all that dirty. I like it. I like it because I feel strong when I talk to you, not weak. I like it because I can keep my composer, not break down. I like it because instead of my heart hurting for days, it hurts for minutes. I like it because I'm happy, not depressed. I like it because I had you first, not second or third. I like it because I know you'll always be mine deep down inside, not hers. I like it because you're starting to really talk to me, not shut me out. I like it because we're on the road of respecting each other, not take one another for granted. I like it because you make it easier, not harder. I like it because you make me want to live, not die. I like it because you make my life interesting, not boring. I like it because the pages are filling up, and not left blank. I like it. I really do. I'm totally ready for summer <3

New beginning, New blog

2008-06-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

So I decided to start another blogger. I thought, 'new beginning? new blog.' Who knows where this blogger is going to take me, but I can only hope that it's somewhere positive. Grad week had just completely ended tonight. One of the best weeks of my life, I must admit. Tuesday - Last day of school & balloon let go. Senior vs. Faculty basketball game with Seniors '08 taking the victory. Plus Tom's kickback. Wednesday - Senior Awards Assembly. Senior Luau where there were no interruptions on the styles of dancing. Thursday - Nothing but the greatest Grad Night ever! Shit was too bomb to put into words. Rave Room (: Friday - Came home at 730am, stayed in bed without moving except to go pee until 430. Graduation! Still up and running without any sleep :D Stayed up until 11, had 40 hours of nonstop fun ;] It's summa time baby! Over the highschool drama mamas... all of them! Life is becoming more bearable, I love it ! FUCKIT baby! Tryna make it the best most, AMAAAZING summer as possible <333 with a hint of excellence, a teaspoon of butterflies, a bag full of family and homies and a millon doses of partying (((((: